Berpisah Sejenak

Dan sebenarnya aku telah letih akan semua ini.
Letih aku merasa rindu sepihak.
Letih aku merasa bahagia sepihak.
Letih karena selalu mengira, bahwasanya apa yang sebenarnya ada dalam benakmu. Apa yang kamu pikirkan tentangku?

Bukannya aku tidak sabar menunggu, sungguh tiada laki-laki lain yang kuinginkan selain dirimu. Sungguh betapa ingin bibir ini mengucap aku mencintaimu. Namun selalu kutahan, hanya karena aku tidak ingin membebanimu.

Aku tahu, begitu banyak hal lain yang lebih penting dari hubungan ini. Aku pun berpikir sama. Karena itu ketika kamu berkata tunggulah, maka aku menunggu. Bahkan ketika kamu tidak berkata apapun, hati ini terus menunggu. Bukan aku yang mau, namun apa daya hati ini menolak yang lain.
Dan tanpa terasa, di masa depanku hanya ada kamu. Dan aku pun berlari ke arahmu, semula kencang namun kini tertatih, berusaha menggapai sosokmu yang entah mengapa, kian menjauh.

Adakah aku pernah terbersit dalam benakmu?

Sungguh, berapa kalipun aku mencoba berpaling, aku tak bisa.
Bukan aku letih menunggu, hanya aku takut, aku takut menganggumu.
Aku tahu tak ada tempat bagiku di benakmu kini. Aku mengerti, karena itu aku tak pernah meminta.
Bukankah aku selalu tersenyum saat bertemu denganmu? Dan menekan segala egoku.
Terima kasih atas secercah bahagia yang kurasa setiap kali ku bersamamu,. Terima kasih atas segala pengetahuan yang kau berikan padaku. Terima kasih karena menjadi penyemangatku.
Aku akan terus menunggumu, namun tak akan aku tunjukkan hingga saatnya nanti.

Biar Allah yang tahu, bahwa dalam setiap sujudku kudoakan dirimu. Lelakiku tersayang.
Hanya satu harapanku, semoga kau tak akan pernah kehilangan cahayamu. Biarlah kau tetap menjadi burung pemangsa yang terbang tinggi di angkasa. Tak apa, aku memang hanya ikan di lautan sejak semula. Aku hanya bisa menatap dari dalam laut, mengamati jarak yang luas di antara kita. Menunggu saat kau akan terbang mendekat, meski tahu diriku terancam.
Terima kasih atas segala kenangan, dan aku berharap suatu saat nanti aku akan dapat mengucap “aku mencintaimu” secara langsung kepadamu.

Hingga aku dapat menjadi “Wanita Terbaik” bagimu, sampai jumpa “Ridho Orangtua”. =)

Best Friend, Lovers, or Enemy?

hey blog,
it's been a long time ne, since the last time I wrote. A lot things has happened, and sometimes it's just beyond my control.
I and Fauzi is no longer close friend, we remained silent, but now we're trying to build our friendship back.

As I said, a lot of things happened. One of my bestfriend likes him, and now she can't live without him. She gets jealous, gets sad even more easily than me, and what's bad for her, now she's hating the girls that are close with him. It is not good for her, for him, for me, for everyone else.
And now it's become very complicated.

In a side, I was very used to be with him most of the time, even people knew us as couple, even though we're not. But when she came, and she needed him more than me, I knew I have to let go.
She is my best friend, and he is too. They seem to have interest on each other. I have to let go.
I have to support them, and remain as good friend for both of them.

But to be honest, it's lonely.
It was... kinda hard to be used to be alone when usually I have someone to accompany me. Someone that gave most of his spare time only to me. But then he gives it to her now.

Not that I complained, cos we can't rule somebody's heart rite?
I also fall for my senior, that's can't be complained.

But, I don't know...
I hate my current self. Sometimes I'm hating on her, cos not only she hurt my feeling without she even knew, she wants his attention so much yet she rubs it in front of him. Sometimes myself can't take it. After all, we did have 'history'. I used to like him, and we were good before this happened.

Sometimes I'm hating him for being insensitive and so coward. For being unable to decide n good to every girls.
I hate myself for not being honest n ikhlas, for hating my own best friends.

And now she asked for attention, for love, for... everything. And my other friend said let's pay more attention to her?

Do my world even have to revolve around her? This is my life isn't it?
I'm starting to lose my identity slowly. I just can't take it no more sometimes. I want to run away to the place where nobody knows me and just start new life. But I know, it's only running away from trouble., not solving it.

I DO love both of them, but I am disappointed with my current self. I'm not mature enough for accepting the fact. I don't know how many times I shed tears (like now) because of this problem, they didn't know about it.
Because I never tell them.

I hate to be seen as a weak girl.

Oh blog, when will I become a strong and mature girl?
I can only be honest only to you. T___T
Cos I don't think there will be anybody who will listen to me and be on my side, all of my friends are on her side and yeah, thus I shouldn't tell about it.


Spring 2012, I, Talitha Khairunisa Irsan, will be going to Kagoshima, Japan, for a student exchange for a year. And there I will start new life.

amen Ya Allah.

along the night

along the night, my mind wanders off.
Maybe it because I just finished watching 'The Lovely Bones', so I knew how it feels to lose somebody, to love somebody you can't have back, to learn to let go, to keep loving although the one we loved has gone.
Maybe it because I'm the only one person who left awaken at this time, and I feel lonely. I miss the feeling to be loved, to have a really close friend.
Maybe it because May 7th is my mum's birthday and suddenly I miss her so.
Maybe it because today is the announcement of SIMAK-UI, and since Diaz's little sister enrolled I feel nervous too. Maybe I shared the same connection like I had between me and her brother two years ago.
Maybe I miss my senior, Ridho, Fauzi, my ex-boyfriend, Salman, and the one I can't have, you-know-who?
Or maybe I am simply being distressed by this resume task and other thing I've got to do?

I don't know.
But I know I miss you, my blog. I miss the moments I shared my feelings to you.
And sometimes I'll re-read my writings and cried or smiled while recalled those memories.

Time sure goes by. We can't stop it.
But why can't I be happy by all of these gift God has given to me?
I need somebody to be loved and who loved me sincerely.
I'm tired with my 'going-nowhere' relationship with Fauzi. Why don't we make it real? Why don't we try to build our relationship?
Why don't my crush respond me back?

Why do I never satisfied?
Why do I such a loser?
I hate myself. I HAVE TO CHANGE.

NOW.

And thus, I shall end this monologue.

가슴이아파...

I am a pathetic girl.

Because after I broke up with my boyfriend (yes, I already broke up), even when there's other men for me, all I think about is him.

I am a pathetic girl.
Because we're already on our own way, and he doesn't even care about me n my life anymore, and still I want him to be in my future.

I am a pathetic girl.
Because he already had a girl friend, and now I'm single.

I am pathetic girl.
Because when my chest feels like it going to burst and I feel like crying, he doesn't know anything about me.
Because when I think about him, he doesn't think of me back.
Because when I want him badly, he'll say that he doesn't want me back if he knows about my feeling.
Because I am nothing but a friend for him.


And now I have nobody to share my burden.
I'm so sorry my ex-boyfriend, because I can't appreciate your affection.
Because I don't think I can fit you, that's why I made you tired and asked for break up.
Mianhada.



.I want to cry. Do I have to bear this love forever?
디아스, 사랑해...

October 30th 2009, mixed up feelings

indonesia:

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!!!!

kemarin gue jalan bareng diaz ke senayan city. sumpah yah, itu macetnya naudzubillah min dzalik banget. Akhirnya sebelum nyampe di ratu plaza gue memilih untuk turun dan jalan kaki aja. Maaf ya Diaz, lu nunggu lama banget. hahaha
Dan padahal gue udah pengen banget nonton film 9 tapi dasar si kunyuk satu itu, dia malah bilang nggak usah nonton aja, mendingan makan. >__<
ya udah deh akhirnya kita makan doang di sana.

dan terjadilah momen-momen yang gue suka pas kita jalan pulang. entah cuma gue yang geer, atau emang benar, dia jadi lebih baik sama gue. apalagi waktu di busway, rambut gue dikucek. udah kaya anak kecil aja. huahaha
nggak tau ya kenapa, gue jadi suka kalo diperlakukan kaya anak kecil sama teman2 cowok gue tapi di saat yang sama mereka juga tahu kalau gue itu dewasa juga. HAHAHA *pgn ketawa gw*
dan finally gue bisa menikmati wangi yang sangat gue rindukan itu.

just wanna say, diaz... gue gak puas jalan sama lo. gue kangen berat sama lo. gue pengen ngobrol banyak n main2 sama lo sebenarnya. maklumlah, seperti yang lo bilang, psikologis gue masih 8 tahun. ahahaha

kalo tentang fauzi,
di satu sisi gue berpikir jahat, gue berharap dia nggak bakal awet sama ceweknya yang 3 tahun lebih tua itu *gosh*, tapi di satu sisi gue juga kagum sama cintanya untuk pacarnya itu. hiks~
ya udah ya boo, kita kaya gini aja dulu. hahaha
hidup bonobo dan benebe! :P

oh ya, bisa dibilang gue sempat cekcok sedikit sama cowok gw, gara-gara gue blg gue mau jalan sama diaz dan nginep di tempat boim.
terserah deh gue mau dibilang cewek ga bener keq, dia mau kecewa sama gue keq, yang penting gue bisa jaga diri dan kenyataannya gue emang nggak ngapa-ngapain. pengen putus rasanya, tapi sayang banget ni masih 2 bulan.
tapi hati gue udah kbagi tiga gini. ah, eottoke?? =X

english:

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!!!!

last nite I went with diaz to Senayan City. Oh man, the traffic jam really got my nerves. So before I reached Ratu Plaza I decided to go out of d bus and walked to Senayan City. Sorry Di, u have waited so long. hahaha
And eventhough I really wanted to watch '9', but because of that troubled kid that said "let's not watch. I'm hungry, let's eat." we didn't watch the movie. We went eat to Pepperlunch. *and it's damn expensive (for me). it's like feeding 12 people's portion to 1 man*


and there happened moments I liked when we walked home. I dunno whether I was being overconfidence or it's really true, he became nicer to me. And when we're on busway, before we separated, he messed with my hair. Oh God, I dunno why but I loved being treated like a kid with my male friends while in d same time they know I'm mature too. HAHAHA
and finally I could enjoy the scent that I missed so.
I love that scent. Diaz's perfume. saranghamnida.


just wanna say diaz, I haven't satisfied yet having our time together with you. I really really miss you. I want to talk a lot with you, talk about life, talk about love, talk about the past and the future. Yeah, Like you said, my phsycologist is still like 8 years old girl. haha

about fauzi...
one side of my side thinks evil, there is a part of me that wishes he will breakup with his girlfriend, but on the other side I feel amazed with his love for his 3 years older girlfriend. hiks~
boo, i guess it's better to stay like this for a moment, i think? hahaha *but i'm jealous with risa* >_<
viva bonobo and benebe!! XDD


oh yeaahh... we could say that I have a lil fight with my own boyfriend. it because I said to him I wanna go with Diaz and stay at Boim's place.
it's up to him whether to think I'm a bad girl or feel disappointed with me, what's important is I can take care of myself and I really did nothing. I want to breakup but geez.. we're just got together for 2months only.
but my heart has already parted for 3 people. ah, eottoke??

during 18 years of my life

it's been 18 years since my born.
18 years ago, on October 26th 1991, a woman strove hard, gambled on her life to give birth to her first daughter. And then a little girl made her first crying as soon as she was given born. Her parents were very happy on that day (or I supposed to think). They gave her name 'Talitha' which is mean 'girl' and 'Khairunisa' which is mean 'the best woman'. They prayed that their daughter would be the best girl in the world, be a shalihah woman, and could make them proud.

18 years has passed.
I still couldn't be 'Talitha Khairunisa'. Couldn't be the best girl as my parents expected yet.
Mianhae, I'm sorry, gomennasai. Thousands of apologize words couldn't speak my sincere apologize.
Kamsahamnida, thank you, arigato, merci. Thousands of words also couldn't speak my grateful for my parents for giving birth and raising me until this second.
Eventhough I am not their best girl, eventhough I haven't reach anything yet, eventhough I couldn't make them proud and happy, they still give me lots of their love.

Thanks for all of your love, dear mother and father.
I promise to be a better person day by day. I will try to be 'Talitha Khairunisa' so I can make you proud. I am sorry for all my behaviors that disappointed you. I am still a kid afterall, I still need your guidance.
I love you, dear mother and father, I will always love you. :)

and for all of my best friend, friend, siblings and boyfriend, thanks for all of your pray and greetings.
I love you all. :)

broken heart, mind & soul

it hurts, when at the morning I dreamt him confessed to me, but in the real life, he actually already had a girlfriend. three years older than him.
it hurts when he is in relationship, but still act nice to other girls like me. Feels like he's giving hope but actually he didn't.
I felt bad for his girlfriend. I felt bad for myself. I dunno lah, I felt sad, I want to cry, but I have to smile in front of him.
I dunno how to act again, I dunno how to do. Should I kept this feeling or just forget him and learn to love my own boyfriend? TT_____TT