along the night

along the night, my mind wanders off.
Maybe it because I just finished watching 'The Lovely Bones', so I knew how it feels to lose somebody, to love somebody you can't have back, to learn to let go, to keep loving although the one we loved has gone.
Maybe it because I'm the only one person who left awaken at this time, and I feel lonely. I miss the feeling to be loved, to have a really close friend.
Maybe it because May 7th is my mum's birthday and suddenly I miss her so.
Maybe it because today is the announcement of SIMAK-UI, and since Diaz's little sister enrolled I feel nervous too. Maybe I shared the same connection like I had between me and her brother two years ago.
Maybe I miss my senior, Ridho, Fauzi, my ex-boyfriend, Salman, and the one I can't have, you-know-who?
Or maybe I am simply being distressed by this resume task and other thing I've got to do?

I don't know.
But I know I miss you, my blog. I miss the moments I shared my feelings to you.
And sometimes I'll re-read my writings and cried or smiled while recalled those memories.

Time sure goes by. We can't stop it.
But why can't I be happy by all of these gift God has given to me?
I need somebody to be loved and who loved me sincerely.
I'm tired with my 'going-nowhere' relationship with Fauzi. Why don't we make it real? Why don't we try to build our relationship?
Why don't my crush respond me back?

Why do I never satisfied?
Why do I such a loser?
I hate myself. I HAVE TO CHANGE.

NOW.

And thus, I shall end this monologue.

가슴이아파...

I am a pathetic girl.

Because after I broke up with my boyfriend (yes, I already broke up), even when there's other men for me, all I think about is him.

I am a pathetic girl.
Because we're already on our own way, and he doesn't even care about me n my life anymore, and still I want him to be in my future.

I am a pathetic girl.
Because he already had a girl friend, and now I'm single.

I am pathetic girl.
Because when my chest feels like it going to burst and I feel like crying, he doesn't know anything about me.
Because when I think about him, he doesn't think of me back.
Because when I want him badly, he'll say that he doesn't want me back if he knows about my feeling.
Because I am nothing but a friend for him.


And now I have nobody to share my burden.
I'm so sorry my ex-boyfriend, because I can't appreciate your affection.
Because I don't think I can fit you, that's why I made you tired and asked for break up.
Mianhada.



.I want to cry. Do I have to bear this love forever?
디아스, 사랑해...

October 30th 2009, mixed up feelings

indonesia:

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!!!!

kemarin gue jalan bareng diaz ke senayan city. sumpah yah, itu macetnya naudzubillah min dzalik banget. Akhirnya sebelum nyampe di ratu plaza gue memilih untuk turun dan jalan kaki aja. Maaf ya Diaz, lu nunggu lama banget. hahaha
Dan padahal gue udah pengen banget nonton film 9 tapi dasar si kunyuk satu itu, dia malah bilang nggak usah nonton aja, mendingan makan. >__<
ya udah deh akhirnya kita makan doang di sana.

dan terjadilah momen-momen yang gue suka pas kita jalan pulang. entah cuma gue yang geer, atau emang benar, dia jadi lebih baik sama gue. apalagi waktu di busway, rambut gue dikucek. udah kaya anak kecil aja. huahaha
nggak tau ya kenapa, gue jadi suka kalo diperlakukan kaya anak kecil sama teman2 cowok gue tapi di saat yang sama mereka juga tahu kalau gue itu dewasa juga. HAHAHA *pgn ketawa gw*
dan finally gue bisa menikmati wangi yang sangat gue rindukan itu.

just wanna say, diaz... gue gak puas jalan sama lo. gue kangen berat sama lo. gue pengen ngobrol banyak n main2 sama lo sebenarnya. maklumlah, seperti yang lo bilang, psikologis gue masih 8 tahun. ahahaha

kalo tentang fauzi,
di satu sisi gue berpikir jahat, gue berharap dia nggak bakal awet sama ceweknya yang 3 tahun lebih tua itu *gosh*, tapi di satu sisi gue juga kagum sama cintanya untuk pacarnya itu. hiks~
ya udah ya boo, kita kaya gini aja dulu. hahaha
hidup bonobo dan benebe! :P

oh ya, bisa dibilang gue sempat cekcok sedikit sama cowok gw, gara-gara gue blg gue mau jalan sama diaz dan nginep di tempat boim.
terserah deh gue mau dibilang cewek ga bener keq, dia mau kecewa sama gue keq, yang penting gue bisa jaga diri dan kenyataannya gue emang nggak ngapa-ngapain. pengen putus rasanya, tapi sayang banget ni masih 2 bulan.
tapi hati gue udah kbagi tiga gini. ah, eottoke?? =X

english:

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!!!!

last nite I went with diaz to Senayan City. Oh man, the traffic jam really got my nerves. So before I reached Ratu Plaza I decided to go out of d bus and walked to Senayan City. Sorry Di, u have waited so long. hahaha
And eventhough I really wanted to watch '9', but because of that troubled kid that said "let's not watch. I'm hungry, let's eat." we didn't watch the movie. We went eat to Pepperlunch. *and it's damn expensive (for me). it's like feeding 12 people's portion to 1 man*


and there happened moments I liked when we walked home. I dunno whether I was being overconfidence or it's really true, he became nicer to me. And when we're on busway, before we separated, he messed with my hair. Oh God, I dunno why but I loved being treated like a kid with my male friends while in d same time they know I'm mature too. HAHAHA
and finally I could enjoy the scent that I missed so.
I love that scent. Diaz's perfume. saranghamnida.


just wanna say diaz, I haven't satisfied yet having our time together with you. I really really miss you. I want to talk a lot with you, talk about life, talk about love, talk about the past and the future. Yeah, Like you said, my phsycologist is still like 8 years old girl. haha

about fauzi...
one side of my side thinks evil, there is a part of me that wishes he will breakup with his girlfriend, but on the other side I feel amazed with his love for his 3 years older girlfriend. hiks~
boo, i guess it's better to stay like this for a moment, i think? hahaha *but i'm jealous with risa* >_<
viva bonobo and benebe!! XDD


oh yeaahh... we could say that I have a lil fight with my own boyfriend. it because I said to him I wanna go with Diaz and stay at Boim's place.
it's up to him whether to think I'm a bad girl or feel disappointed with me, what's important is I can take care of myself and I really did nothing. I want to breakup but geez.. we're just got together for 2months only.
but my heart has already parted for 3 people. ah, eottoke??

during 18 years of my life

it's been 18 years since my born.
18 years ago, on October 26th 1991, a woman strove hard, gambled on her life to give birth to her first daughter. And then a little girl made her first crying as soon as she was given born. Her parents were very happy on that day (or I supposed to think). They gave her name 'Talitha' which is mean 'girl' and 'Khairunisa' which is mean 'the best woman'. They prayed that their daughter would be the best girl in the world, be a shalihah woman, and could make them proud.

18 years has passed.
I still couldn't be 'Talitha Khairunisa'. Couldn't be the best girl as my parents expected yet.
Mianhae, I'm sorry, gomennasai. Thousands of apologize words couldn't speak my sincere apologize.
Kamsahamnida, thank you, arigato, merci. Thousands of words also couldn't speak my grateful for my parents for giving birth and raising me until this second.
Eventhough I am not their best girl, eventhough I haven't reach anything yet, eventhough I couldn't make them proud and happy, they still give me lots of their love.

Thanks for all of your love, dear mother and father.
I promise to be a better person day by day. I will try to be 'Talitha Khairunisa' so I can make you proud. I am sorry for all my behaviors that disappointed you. I am still a kid afterall, I still need your guidance.
I love you, dear mother and father, I will always love you. :)

and for all of my best friend, friend, siblings and boyfriend, thanks for all of your pray and greetings.
I love you all. :)

broken heart, mind & soul

it hurts, when at the morning I dreamt him confessed to me, but in the real life, he actually already had a girlfriend. three years older than him.
it hurts when he is in relationship, but still act nice to other girls like me. Feels like he's giving hope but actually he didn't.
I felt bad for his girlfriend. I felt bad for myself. I dunno lah, I felt sad, I want to cry, but I have to smile in front of him.
I dunno how to act again, I dunno how to do. Should I kept this feeling or just forget him and learn to love my own boyfriend? TT_____TT

is it wrong to feel sad because of them??

SHINee say goodbye. hiks. I'm sad because there won't be Juliette anymore. eventhough I'm not a fan of Juliette remix but in the same time I'm glad because for a moments they are far from shitdae. yeah, I hate them so much. who cares about those stupid sone! I hate them for stealing my Romeos. I hate SHINee for not refuse SNSD. I hate korean Shawol for not bashing shitdae. I hate all netizens who make shinee-generation pairing. S.T.O.P I.T!!! it's hurt when you love someone you can't have. I hate SHINee as much as I love them. I hate to love them. But I just can't not to love them. X((((( well. good luck on Japan. and I wish shitdae die soon. amen.




how can I not love them?

when I have to choose

If adult have to be realistic, I don't want to be an adult.

Can't I dream Can't I dream Can't I dream??
I want to be a movie director!! I know maybe I will find a hard time when I look for job, I know maybe I am not talented enough to be a famous people, I know I have to be realistic coz I AM AN ADULT. I know as a woman, I have to think about my future family, my future children and husband. And to live in entertainment world means your daily schedule is irregular. Think about my children, think about my husband, think about myself!!

Everyone told me "it's up to you to make choice. you're qualified enough to be veterinary or director."
Some people wants me to be a movie director, others want me to be a vet.
If it's possible, I want to be both, coz both are my dreams. But time can't let me choose both of them. I have to choose one.
But everybody keep saying "it's up to you." But I noe they (esp my parents) want me to be a vet rather than director. And the others say "Up to you. Up to you." that means they don't care about me as long as it doesn't affect any part of their lives.

I am very confused rite now. And he doesn't help either. But thanks to him, I can release my stress a bit. I believe in God, I believe when I work hard there will be a way.
Thanks to SHINee who help me to make sure about which way I want to choose. But my father keep insist me to take IPB.

It's not that I didn't thank God for letting me pass the SNMPTN and get my dream university. But still, my future dreams is to build a k-pop clothes shop while make movie.

Can't I dream? God, which way I should choose?
I don't want to make mistake in choosing my way.
I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of being left alone as a kid while my friends have grown up already.

"If only we could stop the time, I want to freeze the time in my childhood and live forever in it."

thanks to SHINee's words. You shine for me guys! :)

What do you want to say to those that want to become a star?
Onew: Cheers! Their dream is really big
Taemin: If you work hard, then everything will be fine. Fighting!
Jonghyun: Don’t give up.
Key: My answer is the same as Jonghyun-hyung’s, don’t give up!
Minho: Mine would be, “If you don’t give up your hopes and dreams, then there would always be a good result/ending.”