broken heart, mind & soul

it hurts, when at the morning I dreamt him confessed to me, but in the real life, he actually already had a girlfriend. three years older than him.
it hurts when he is in relationship, but still act nice to other girls like me. Feels like he's giving hope but actually he didn't.
I felt bad for his girlfriend. I felt bad for myself. I dunno lah, I felt sad, I want to cry, but I have to smile in front of him.
I dunno how to act again, I dunno how to do. Should I kept this feeling or just forget him and learn to love my own boyfriend? TT_____TT

is it wrong to feel sad because of them??

SHINee say goodbye. hiks. I'm sad because there won't be Juliette anymore. eventhough I'm not a fan of Juliette remix but in the same time I'm glad because for a moments they are far from shitdae. yeah, I hate them so much. who cares about those stupid sone! I hate them for stealing my Romeos. I hate SHINee for not refuse SNSD. I hate korean Shawol for not bashing shitdae. I hate all netizens who make shinee-generation pairing. S.T.O.P I.T!!! it's hurt when you love someone you can't have. I hate SHINee as much as I love them. I hate to love them. But I just can't not to love them. X((((( well. good luck on Japan. and I wish shitdae die soon. amen.




how can I not love them?

when I have to choose

If adult have to be realistic, I don't want to be an adult.

Can't I dream Can't I dream Can't I dream??
I want to be a movie director!! I know maybe I will find a hard time when I look for job, I know maybe I am not talented enough to be a famous people, I know I have to be realistic coz I AM AN ADULT. I know as a woman, I have to think about my future family, my future children and husband. And to live in entertainment world means your daily schedule is irregular. Think about my children, think about my husband, think about myself!!

Everyone told me "it's up to you to make choice. you're qualified enough to be veterinary or director."
Some people wants me to be a movie director, others want me to be a vet.
If it's possible, I want to be both, coz both are my dreams. But time can't let me choose both of them. I have to choose one.
But everybody keep saying "it's up to you." But I noe they (esp my parents) want me to be a vet rather than director. And the others say "Up to you. Up to you." that means they don't care about me as long as it doesn't affect any part of their lives.

I am very confused rite now. And he doesn't help either. But thanks to him, I can release my stress a bit. I believe in God, I believe when I work hard there will be a way.
Thanks to SHINee who help me to make sure about which way I want to choose. But my father keep insist me to take IPB.

It's not that I didn't thank God for letting me pass the SNMPTN and get my dream university. But still, my future dreams is to build a k-pop clothes shop while make movie.

Can't I dream? God, which way I should choose?
I don't want to make mistake in choosing my way.
I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of being left alone as a kid while my friends have grown up already.

"If only we could stop the time, I want to freeze the time in my childhood and live forever in it."

thanks to SHINee's words. You shine for me guys! :)

What do you want to say to those that want to become a star?
Onew: Cheers! Their dream is really big
Taemin: If you work hard, then everything will be fine. Fighting!
Jonghyun: Don’t give up.
Key: My answer is the same as Jonghyun-hyung’s, don’t give up!
Minho: Mine would be, “If you don’t give up your hopes and dreams, then there would always be a good result/ending.”

when past meets future

When past meets future, it is called as present. :)

Maybe in his eyes, FUTURE is EVERYTHING. You shouldn't look back to the fast too long.
He even said to me, "Which one is more important, past or future?"

For me, I will never be able to forget my past and just look at the future. Past and Future can't be separated.
PAST is EVERYTHING, PRESENT is EVERYTHING, FUTURE is EVERYTHING.
I carry my past, reflect on my past, walk on my days in the present time, and set target for future.

I see how funny God sets our destiny, especially my destiny.
I left all of my old friends in Tytyan Kencana 8 years ago. I left all of my old friends in SD Mutiara 8 years ago.
And now, fate let us meet again.

One by one, I found my old mates. Started with Diaz, who came back from Singapore a year ago.
And then Ufi. Henza. Followed By Yolanda. And Damar.

And nowadays, more friends found. I've been looking for Amalia for years and Salman also. Not to forget Dita n Deska.
And now I found them all.
I also found my monkey-loves from primary school. LOL

How destiny could be so beautiful. And along with the old friend treasures, as I keep walking to the future, I meet new friends. For example, when I met Diaz, I made friends with Suren, Kai, Syarif, Ezah, Dimas, etc.
When past and future blend, it calls present.
When past and present are together, they lead to future. :)

I'm happy. For meeting such people like these.
Thank God. Thank facebook. LOL

and still, I won't forget the past.

random words

satu hal lagi yang dapat aku petik dari dunia k-pop.

Ada fans fanatik, ada yang tidak.
Ada fans cerdas, ada yang tidak.
Ada fans yang annoying, ada yang tidak.

Fans yg fanatik akan cemburu berlebihan ketika melihat idolanya dekat dgn artis brlawanan jenis.
Cemburu? Wajar. Tapi tidak berlebihan.
Selain itu, mereka akan mengagung2kan idolanya sdemikian rupa, dan menganggap artis lain lbih buruk dr idola mereka.

Fans yg pintar, dia akan mencaritahu kbenaran brita ttg artisnya.

Isaidlikedatcozihatestupidppl

From the bottom of my heart [bahasa]

maaf kepada semua orang yang mengharapkan aku, maaf aku mengecewakan kalian. tapi ini berhubungan dengan hidup gue. jalan gue.
pilihan gue.

hari ini, adik gue ngasih tau kalo mantan guru bahasa inggris gue blg dia kecewa n gak senang gue masuk IKJ.
Buat apa belajar IPA susah2 kalo ujung2nya masuk IKJ?
Dan gimana nyari duitnya nanti?

Well, Miss, gue rasa pikiran itu sempit banget n picik.

buat apa gue belajar ipa?
untuk diaplikasikan dalam kehidupan sehari2.
apakah kalo gue belajar ipa harus diaplikasikan dlm pekerjaan? I guess not.
kalo gw gak belajar kimia n biologi, gue ampe skrg gak tau prinsip dasar kehidupan. Dan otomatis pertanyaan gue dari lahir nggak akan kejawab, secara gue itu tipe orang yang selalu bertanya "Mengapa dan bagaimana bisa?"

Gimana nyari duit?
Bukan cuma dia yang bingung, gue juga bimbang. haruskah gue menyerah terhadap mimpi gue?
Gue tahu kerjaan jadi sutradara itu berat, gue juga nggak berbakat, bukan sekali ini cita2 gue dilecehkan, tapi tak bolehkah seorang anak bermimpi? dan berusaha mengejar mimpinya itu?
Mungkin nanti gue bakal bernyanyi, "mama gak pulang baby, mama ga bawa uang baby", tapi sekali lagi, tak bolehkah saya bermimpi?
Bukankah rezeki itu semua di tangan Tuhan? Manusia cukup berusaha.

Seseorang bilang, "bermimpilah karena Tuhan akan memeluk mimpi2 itu."

Akankah Tuhan memeluk mimpiku?

Perlu diketahui, gue cuma seorang anak perempuan, dengan cita-cita paling mustahil sedunia: menjadi selamanya anak-anak atau terlahir sbg lelaki.
Gue cuma seorang anak, yang jiwanya berhenti berkembang saat ia duduk di kelas 5 SD. ketika dia pertama kali menghadapi cobaan terberat dalam hidupnya: pindah sekolah.
Mungkin sepele buat orang lain, buat gue, itu berarti meninggalkan semua teman, semua kenangan, dan move on. Dan mulai dari nol.
Gue dibesarkan tanpa cukup pendidikan psikologis dari kedua orang tua gue. semua filosofi dan pandangan hidup, semua gue cari sendiri. Gue meraba dalam gelap, berusaha mencari titik terang dalam hidup gue.

Berat? Sangat.

Ada lebih dari satu kepribadian hidup dalam diri gue.
Tita, yang selamanya akan menjadi gadis kecil yang polos.
Kai, yaitu sisi maskulin gue, sisi laki2 gue, karna gue tidak akan pernah menjadi lelaki, namun gw cukup mengerti rasanya jadi lelaki.
Rui, sisi pemberani gue, sosok yang selalu nekat dan berani terhadap tantangan. Hard worker dan tidak peduli pada apa kata orang. Seorang Talitha sangat bergantung pada kepribadian ini.
Chizuru, sisi lembut, penyayang, dan feminin gue.
Ichijo, sisi egois gue, Ichijo haus akan spotlight. Dia selalu ingin jadi yang terbaik.
Kyra, sosok yang selalu ditekan dalam-dalam, karena seorang Kyra adalah seorang emosional dan sensitif. Dia adalah Kai dalam versi wanita.

Orang awam tidak akan percaya dan pasti mengira gue berlebihan dan mengada-ada.
Gue tidak peduli.
Mereka semua, adalah Talitha.


Gue sangat takut terluka. Takut kecewa. Takut kalah.
Gue tahu mental gue cacat, terlalu banyak bermimpi, tidak pernah dewasa, kekanakan, dan sebagainya seperti yang mereka bilang.
Perlu kalian ketahui, aku bertindak sesuai keinginanku. Aku bertindak berlawanan dengan keinginan kalian. I'm amanojaku, perhaps.

Jika orang dewasa harus hidup berpatokan dengan realita, maka aku tidak ingin dewasa.
Biarlah aku menjadi seorang gadis kecil, yang tetap mencoba mengerti pikiran orang dewasa, namun tidak melupakan betapa indah impian seorang anak kecil.


curhat colongan:
Dan saat ini gue juga sedang kecewa karena tidak bisa berkontribusi dalam fansite Monica. Kecewa karena bukan gue yang terbaik dan tercepat dalam hal provide info.
Kecewa, karena mereka meniru weareshining.com yg mana gue yang pertama kali mengenalkan fansite itu kepada mereka.
Sedih, karena semakin banyak teman2 facebook gue yang menulis fanfic, hanya demi berlomba2 mendapat comment dan attention.
Cerita mereka umum, klise, dan nyaris mirip satu sama lain. Bahkan ada yang adaptasi joke atau cerita orang lain, hanya diubah sedikit.
Ke manakah kreativitas bangsa ini?

and one thing I've realized, semakin banyak teman maka kamu akan semakin tahu yang mana sahabatmu dan mana yang bukan. Yang mana temanmu dan mana yang menusukmu dari belakang. Dan yang mana yang hanya sekedar memanfaatkanmu, hanya sekedar kenal atau bahkan yang memusuhimu.

Seorang sahabat tidak akan peduli dengan kata2 jelek tentang sahabatnya. seorang sahabat tidak akan terputus hanya karna idola, hanya karena perbedaan dan jarak.
Seorang sahabat tidak akan berusaha menjatuhkan sahabatnya sendiri.
seorang sahabat, abadi selamanya. :)

depression

in depression rite now.

first thing first, I sneezed a lot along the day. I'm afraid I'll catch influenza. H1N1?? Omo. I hope not.
second, Livejournal really got my nerves. What's up with the mirrored typed words and very slow reaction when I posted something??
and also, my new facebook friend--tasya--suggested me to post my onkey fanfic on OnKey community. But until now, I haven't get any comments yet from readers except....one protest comment. =__="
okay, no colourful post. I got it. Under cut? I didn't get it. lol
I'm newbie, I didn't understand much thing about LJ stuff.

I'm sad, because I'm easily get down by such critize. I can't be like that.

third, I made Damar feel miserable. He gave me loveletter again, this time he delivered it right to my house! And....I didn't reply it. Not yet. I guess.
I didn't reply his text message also. I got some stuff that I didn't want to talk about with him, but surely he would ask if I kept replying his message. I'm sorry.

fourth, the chance to meet my first love, Salman, has now disappeared since I couldn't make it to Teh Ika's wedding. Wow, time sure flies fast, my childhood playmate is now getting married. Congratz! ^^

fifth, my grandpa has died. I was sad, but I couldn't cry. Am I a bad girl?