October 30th 2009, mixed up feelings

indonesia:

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!!!!

kemarin gue jalan bareng diaz ke senayan city. sumpah yah, itu macetnya naudzubillah min dzalik banget. Akhirnya sebelum nyampe di ratu plaza gue memilih untuk turun dan jalan kaki aja. Maaf ya Diaz, lu nunggu lama banget. hahaha
Dan padahal gue udah pengen banget nonton film 9 tapi dasar si kunyuk satu itu, dia malah bilang nggak usah nonton aja, mendingan makan. >__<
ya udah deh akhirnya kita makan doang di sana.

dan terjadilah momen-momen yang gue suka pas kita jalan pulang. entah cuma gue yang geer, atau emang benar, dia jadi lebih baik sama gue. apalagi waktu di busway, rambut gue dikucek. udah kaya anak kecil aja. huahaha
nggak tau ya kenapa, gue jadi suka kalo diperlakukan kaya anak kecil sama teman2 cowok gue tapi di saat yang sama mereka juga tahu kalau gue itu dewasa juga. HAHAHA *pgn ketawa gw*
dan finally gue bisa menikmati wangi yang sangat gue rindukan itu.

just wanna say, diaz... gue gak puas jalan sama lo. gue kangen berat sama lo. gue pengen ngobrol banyak n main2 sama lo sebenarnya. maklumlah, seperti yang lo bilang, psikologis gue masih 8 tahun. ahahaha

kalo tentang fauzi,
di satu sisi gue berpikir jahat, gue berharap dia nggak bakal awet sama ceweknya yang 3 tahun lebih tua itu *gosh*, tapi di satu sisi gue juga kagum sama cintanya untuk pacarnya itu. hiks~
ya udah ya boo, kita kaya gini aja dulu. hahaha
hidup bonobo dan benebe! :P

oh ya, bisa dibilang gue sempat cekcok sedikit sama cowok gw, gara-gara gue blg gue mau jalan sama diaz dan nginep di tempat boim.
terserah deh gue mau dibilang cewek ga bener keq, dia mau kecewa sama gue keq, yang penting gue bisa jaga diri dan kenyataannya gue emang nggak ngapa-ngapain. pengen putus rasanya, tapi sayang banget ni masih 2 bulan.
tapi hati gue udah kbagi tiga gini. ah, eottoke?? =X

english:

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!!!!!

last nite I went with diaz to Senayan City. Oh man, the traffic jam really got my nerves. So before I reached Ratu Plaza I decided to go out of d bus and walked to Senayan City. Sorry Di, u have waited so long. hahaha
And eventhough I really wanted to watch '9', but because of that troubled kid that said "let's not watch. I'm hungry, let's eat." we didn't watch the movie. We went eat to Pepperlunch. *and it's damn expensive (for me). it's like feeding 12 people's portion to 1 man*


and there happened moments I liked when we walked home. I dunno whether I was being overconfidence or it's really true, he became nicer to me. And when we're on busway, before we separated, he messed with my hair. Oh God, I dunno why but I loved being treated like a kid with my male friends while in d same time they know I'm mature too. HAHAHA
and finally I could enjoy the scent that I missed so.
I love that scent. Diaz's perfume. saranghamnida.


just wanna say diaz, I haven't satisfied yet having our time together with you. I really really miss you. I want to talk a lot with you, talk about life, talk about love, talk about the past and the future. Yeah, Like you said, my phsycologist is still like 8 years old girl. haha

about fauzi...
one side of my side thinks evil, there is a part of me that wishes he will breakup with his girlfriend, but on the other side I feel amazed with his love for his 3 years older girlfriend. hiks~
boo, i guess it's better to stay like this for a moment, i think? hahaha *but i'm jealous with risa* >_<
viva bonobo and benebe!! XDD


oh yeaahh... we could say that I have a lil fight with my own boyfriend. it because I said to him I wanna go with Diaz and stay at Boim's place.
it's up to him whether to think I'm a bad girl or feel disappointed with me, what's important is I can take care of myself and I really did nothing. I want to breakup but geez.. we're just got together for 2months only.
but my heart has already parted for 3 people. ah, eottoke??

during 18 years of my life

it's been 18 years since my born.
18 years ago, on October 26th 1991, a woman strove hard, gambled on her life to give birth to her first daughter. And then a little girl made her first crying as soon as she was given born. Her parents were very happy on that day (or I supposed to think). They gave her name 'Talitha' which is mean 'girl' and 'Khairunisa' which is mean 'the best woman'. They prayed that their daughter would be the best girl in the world, be a shalihah woman, and could make them proud.

18 years has passed.
I still couldn't be 'Talitha Khairunisa'. Couldn't be the best girl as my parents expected yet.
Mianhae, I'm sorry, gomennasai. Thousands of apologize words couldn't speak my sincere apologize.
Kamsahamnida, thank you, arigato, merci. Thousands of words also couldn't speak my grateful for my parents for giving birth and raising me until this second.
Eventhough I am not their best girl, eventhough I haven't reach anything yet, eventhough I couldn't make them proud and happy, they still give me lots of their love.

Thanks for all of your love, dear mother and father.
I promise to be a better person day by day. I will try to be 'Talitha Khairunisa' so I can make you proud. I am sorry for all my behaviors that disappointed you. I am still a kid afterall, I still need your guidance.
I love you, dear mother and father, I will always love you. :)

and for all of my best friend, friend, siblings and boyfriend, thanks for all of your pray and greetings.
I love you all. :)

broken heart, mind & soul

it hurts, when at the morning I dreamt him confessed to me, but in the real life, he actually already had a girlfriend. three years older than him.
it hurts when he is in relationship, but still act nice to other girls like me. Feels like he's giving hope but actually he didn't.
I felt bad for his girlfriend. I felt bad for myself. I dunno lah, I felt sad, I want to cry, but I have to smile in front of him.
I dunno how to act again, I dunno how to do. Should I kept this feeling or just forget him and learn to love my own boyfriend? TT_____TT

is it wrong to feel sad because of them??

SHINee say goodbye. hiks. I'm sad because there won't be Juliette anymore. eventhough I'm not a fan of Juliette remix but in the same time I'm glad because for a moments they are far from shitdae. yeah, I hate them so much. who cares about those stupid sone! I hate them for stealing my Romeos. I hate SHINee for not refuse SNSD. I hate korean Shawol for not bashing shitdae. I hate all netizens who make shinee-generation pairing. S.T.O.P I.T!!! it's hurt when you love someone you can't have. I hate SHINee as much as I love them. I hate to love them. But I just can't not to love them. X((((( well. good luck on Japan. and I wish shitdae die soon. amen.




how can I not love them?

when I have to choose

If adult have to be realistic, I don't want to be an adult.

Can't I dream Can't I dream Can't I dream??
I want to be a movie director!! I know maybe I will find a hard time when I look for job, I know maybe I am not talented enough to be a famous people, I know I have to be realistic coz I AM AN ADULT. I know as a woman, I have to think about my future family, my future children and husband. And to live in entertainment world means your daily schedule is irregular. Think about my children, think about my husband, think about myself!!

Everyone told me "it's up to you to make choice. you're qualified enough to be veterinary or director."
Some people wants me to be a movie director, others want me to be a vet.
If it's possible, I want to be both, coz both are my dreams. But time can't let me choose both of them. I have to choose one.
But everybody keep saying "it's up to you." But I noe they (esp my parents) want me to be a vet rather than director. And the others say "Up to you. Up to you." that means they don't care about me as long as it doesn't affect any part of their lives.

I am very confused rite now. And he doesn't help either. But thanks to him, I can release my stress a bit. I believe in God, I believe when I work hard there will be a way.
Thanks to SHINee who help me to make sure about which way I want to choose. But my father keep insist me to take IPB.

It's not that I didn't thank God for letting me pass the SNMPTN and get my dream university. But still, my future dreams is to build a k-pop clothes shop while make movie.

Can't I dream? God, which way I should choose?
I don't want to make mistake in choosing my way.
I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of being left alone as a kid while my friends have grown up already.

"If only we could stop the time, I want to freeze the time in my childhood and live forever in it."

thanks to SHINee's words. You shine for me guys! :)

What do you want to say to those that want to become a star?
Onew: Cheers! Their dream is really big
Taemin: If you work hard, then everything will be fine. Fighting!
Jonghyun: Don’t give up.
Key: My answer is the same as Jonghyun-hyung’s, don’t give up!
Minho: Mine would be, “If you don’t give up your hopes and dreams, then there would always be a good result/ending.”

when past meets future

When past meets future, it is called as present. :)

Maybe in his eyes, FUTURE is EVERYTHING. You shouldn't look back to the fast too long.
He even said to me, "Which one is more important, past or future?"

For me, I will never be able to forget my past and just look at the future. Past and Future can't be separated.
PAST is EVERYTHING, PRESENT is EVERYTHING, FUTURE is EVERYTHING.
I carry my past, reflect on my past, walk on my days in the present time, and set target for future.

I see how funny God sets our destiny, especially my destiny.
I left all of my old friends in Tytyan Kencana 8 years ago. I left all of my old friends in SD Mutiara 8 years ago.
And now, fate let us meet again.

One by one, I found my old mates. Started with Diaz, who came back from Singapore a year ago.
And then Ufi. Henza. Followed By Yolanda. And Damar.

And nowadays, more friends found. I've been looking for Amalia for years and Salman also. Not to forget Dita n Deska.
And now I found them all.
I also found my monkey-loves from primary school. LOL

How destiny could be so beautiful. And along with the old friend treasures, as I keep walking to the future, I meet new friends. For example, when I met Diaz, I made friends with Suren, Kai, Syarif, Ezah, Dimas, etc.
When past and future blend, it calls present.
When past and present are together, they lead to future. :)

I'm happy. For meeting such people like these.
Thank God. Thank facebook. LOL

and still, I won't forget the past.

random words

satu hal lagi yang dapat aku petik dari dunia k-pop.

Ada fans fanatik, ada yang tidak.
Ada fans cerdas, ada yang tidak.
Ada fans yang annoying, ada yang tidak.

Fans yg fanatik akan cemburu berlebihan ketika melihat idolanya dekat dgn artis brlawanan jenis.
Cemburu? Wajar. Tapi tidak berlebihan.
Selain itu, mereka akan mengagung2kan idolanya sdemikian rupa, dan menganggap artis lain lbih buruk dr idola mereka.

Fans yg pintar, dia akan mencaritahu kbenaran brita ttg artisnya.

Isaidlikedatcozihatestupidppl

From the bottom of my heart [bahasa]

maaf kepada semua orang yang mengharapkan aku, maaf aku mengecewakan kalian. tapi ini berhubungan dengan hidup gue. jalan gue.
pilihan gue.

hari ini, adik gue ngasih tau kalo mantan guru bahasa inggris gue blg dia kecewa n gak senang gue masuk IKJ.
Buat apa belajar IPA susah2 kalo ujung2nya masuk IKJ?
Dan gimana nyari duitnya nanti?

Well, Miss, gue rasa pikiran itu sempit banget n picik.

buat apa gue belajar ipa?
untuk diaplikasikan dalam kehidupan sehari2.
apakah kalo gue belajar ipa harus diaplikasikan dlm pekerjaan? I guess not.
kalo gw gak belajar kimia n biologi, gue ampe skrg gak tau prinsip dasar kehidupan. Dan otomatis pertanyaan gue dari lahir nggak akan kejawab, secara gue itu tipe orang yang selalu bertanya "Mengapa dan bagaimana bisa?"

Gimana nyari duit?
Bukan cuma dia yang bingung, gue juga bimbang. haruskah gue menyerah terhadap mimpi gue?
Gue tahu kerjaan jadi sutradara itu berat, gue juga nggak berbakat, bukan sekali ini cita2 gue dilecehkan, tapi tak bolehkah seorang anak bermimpi? dan berusaha mengejar mimpinya itu?
Mungkin nanti gue bakal bernyanyi, "mama gak pulang baby, mama ga bawa uang baby", tapi sekali lagi, tak bolehkah saya bermimpi?
Bukankah rezeki itu semua di tangan Tuhan? Manusia cukup berusaha.

Seseorang bilang, "bermimpilah karena Tuhan akan memeluk mimpi2 itu."

Akankah Tuhan memeluk mimpiku?

Perlu diketahui, gue cuma seorang anak perempuan, dengan cita-cita paling mustahil sedunia: menjadi selamanya anak-anak atau terlahir sbg lelaki.
Gue cuma seorang anak, yang jiwanya berhenti berkembang saat ia duduk di kelas 5 SD. ketika dia pertama kali menghadapi cobaan terberat dalam hidupnya: pindah sekolah.
Mungkin sepele buat orang lain, buat gue, itu berarti meninggalkan semua teman, semua kenangan, dan move on. Dan mulai dari nol.
Gue dibesarkan tanpa cukup pendidikan psikologis dari kedua orang tua gue. semua filosofi dan pandangan hidup, semua gue cari sendiri. Gue meraba dalam gelap, berusaha mencari titik terang dalam hidup gue.

Berat? Sangat.

Ada lebih dari satu kepribadian hidup dalam diri gue.
Tita, yang selamanya akan menjadi gadis kecil yang polos.
Kai, yaitu sisi maskulin gue, sisi laki2 gue, karna gue tidak akan pernah menjadi lelaki, namun gw cukup mengerti rasanya jadi lelaki.
Rui, sisi pemberani gue, sosok yang selalu nekat dan berani terhadap tantangan. Hard worker dan tidak peduli pada apa kata orang. Seorang Talitha sangat bergantung pada kepribadian ini.
Chizuru, sisi lembut, penyayang, dan feminin gue.
Ichijo, sisi egois gue, Ichijo haus akan spotlight. Dia selalu ingin jadi yang terbaik.
Kyra, sosok yang selalu ditekan dalam-dalam, karena seorang Kyra adalah seorang emosional dan sensitif. Dia adalah Kai dalam versi wanita.

Orang awam tidak akan percaya dan pasti mengira gue berlebihan dan mengada-ada.
Gue tidak peduli.
Mereka semua, adalah Talitha.


Gue sangat takut terluka. Takut kecewa. Takut kalah.
Gue tahu mental gue cacat, terlalu banyak bermimpi, tidak pernah dewasa, kekanakan, dan sebagainya seperti yang mereka bilang.
Perlu kalian ketahui, aku bertindak sesuai keinginanku. Aku bertindak berlawanan dengan keinginan kalian. I'm amanojaku, perhaps.

Jika orang dewasa harus hidup berpatokan dengan realita, maka aku tidak ingin dewasa.
Biarlah aku menjadi seorang gadis kecil, yang tetap mencoba mengerti pikiran orang dewasa, namun tidak melupakan betapa indah impian seorang anak kecil.


curhat colongan:
Dan saat ini gue juga sedang kecewa karena tidak bisa berkontribusi dalam fansite Monica. Kecewa karena bukan gue yang terbaik dan tercepat dalam hal provide info.
Kecewa, karena mereka meniru weareshining.com yg mana gue yang pertama kali mengenalkan fansite itu kepada mereka.
Sedih, karena semakin banyak teman2 facebook gue yang menulis fanfic, hanya demi berlomba2 mendapat comment dan attention.
Cerita mereka umum, klise, dan nyaris mirip satu sama lain. Bahkan ada yang adaptasi joke atau cerita orang lain, hanya diubah sedikit.
Ke manakah kreativitas bangsa ini?

and one thing I've realized, semakin banyak teman maka kamu akan semakin tahu yang mana sahabatmu dan mana yang bukan. Yang mana temanmu dan mana yang menusukmu dari belakang. Dan yang mana yang hanya sekedar memanfaatkanmu, hanya sekedar kenal atau bahkan yang memusuhimu.

Seorang sahabat tidak akan peduli dengan kata2 jelek tentang sahabatnya. seorang sahabat tidak akan terputus hanya karna idola, hanya karena perbedaan dan jarak.
Seorang sahabat tidak akan berusaha menjatuhkan sahabatnya sendiri.
seorang sahabat, abadi selamanya. :)

depression

in depression rite now.

first thing first, I sneezed a lot along the day. I'm afraid I'll catch influenza. H1N1?? Omo. I hope not.
second, Livejournal really got my nerves. What's up with the mirrored typed words and very slow reaction when I posted something??
and also, my new facebook friend--tasya--suggested me to post my onkey fanfic on OnKey community. But until now, I haven't get any comments yet from readers except....one protest comment. =__="
okay, no colourful post. I got it. Under cut? I didn't get it. lol
I'm newbie, I didn't understand much thing about LJ stuff.

I'm sad, because I'm easily get down by such critize. I can't be like that.

third, I made Damar feel miserable. He gave me loveletter again, this time he delivered it right to my house! And....I didn't reply it. Not yet. I guess.
I didn't reply his text message also. I got some stuff that I didn't want to talk about with him, but surely he would ask if I kept replying his message. I'm sorry.

fourth, the chance to meet my first love, Salman, has now disappeared since I couldn't make it to Teh Ika's wedding. Wow, time sure flies fast, my childhood playmate is now getting married. Congratz! ^^

fifth, my grandpa has died. I was sad, but I couldn't cry. Am I a bad girl?

The Real Winner

today is the official announcement of our graduation.
I passed the national exam, and being the 2nd highest in my class and parallel. But, am I happy?
No, I am not. I was relieved, that I passed the national exam (the nightmare). But I wasn't that happy.
Okay, I admit I wasn't play fair and square when I did the exams, I cheated on my math and physics.
Without being given the answers, I dunno if I'm gonna passed the national exams.

That's explain my high score of physics: 90 point blablabla..

I am sad, I can't smile, can't laugh freely, because not all of the students graduates. Ricky--the pious Ricky--failed on his physics.
That hurted us, all of us.
We all know, he was the one who got hurted the most. But he also the one who stand still, as tough as a rock, with smiles in his face, although we all know, his eyes and heart were crying.
No, he didn't cry. He smiled, trying to be big-hearted.
All the female teachers cried, and trying to cheered him up. He just nodded and smile.
He already know the results before he checked it.

But I am proud of him. He stand for what he's believed in. He hold his principle until this minute, he didn't cheat and he won't.
He tried his best, playing fair and square, not blaming anyone, and ready with all the consequents he has to take.

I guess that is the real hero.
I was ashamed of myself, I guess I couldn't act like him yet.
Ricky, whatever it takes, we will always be friends and be in your side. God just trying to test your faith. :)

a letter from a boy

picture he gave me

"Hmm.. Talitha ini damar.

Hehe..mungkin aneh aja kalo dapat e-mail dari gw.

Tapi..Hmm.

Gw inget lw temen cewek sd gw yang pertama deket..hehe..gak tahu kalo lwnya sih.

Temen yang kayaknya bawa gw ke dunia perkomikan,hehe..

Kalo gak salah gw sering minjem komik sama lw kan? Waktu itu Detective Conan deh kalo gak salah. Tapi gara2 komik itu gw jadi ketagihan.hehe..Akhirnya gw beli sendiri komik dan jadi suka juga sama komik terus buat inventaris gw di masa depan.hehe..

Lw itu kayaknya dulu agak banyak diem ya? Gw juga lupa gak seinget dulu sih..

Sebenernya sih detailnya gak inget tapi lw tetep gw inget.

Kejadian yang masih gw inget itu waktu gw berantem lw terus gw pindah tempat duduk deh sama bima. Tapi akhirnya gw balik lagi sama lw itu ada ceritanya. Jadi pas gw berantem sama lw dan pindah sama bima, gw berantem lagi sama bima. Akhirnya gw ngomong gini ke bima, “ Lebih enak duduk sama talitha deh daripada sama lw.”

Hehe..kayaknya jahat banget ya gw. Tapi kurang lebih sih gitu. Terus pas kelas 4 lw naik kan ke A disitu itu gw gak gak pernah menghubungi lw lagi.hehe..tapi gw masih inget ada satu kejadian dimana pas lagi jajan di kantin waktu itu lw kayaknya jajan di kantin deh. Gedung sd waktu ada di smp, gw ngeliat lw tapi malah diem aja ya.hehe..lw juga ngeliat gw gak ya? Nah, habis naik kelas 5 baru gw tahu kayaknya lw dah gak ada di mutiara. Kelas 5 gw naik ke A tapi gak ketemu sama lw..hehe..tapi akhirnya gw minta pindah ke B lagi gara – gara menurut gw anak A itu terlalu ketat sama jarang main bola.hehe…Kelas 6 gw sedikit lupa sih sama lw. Hehehe…habis gak ada kabar lagi. Tapi gw juga kenal sama anak cewek namanya lita.Hehehe…,Naik smp nama lw udah mulai redup.hehe..bukan karena gw lho ya tapi gara – gara gw bingung juga. Pas ada friendster gw coba cari nama lw lagi tapi udah lupa nama panjang lw. Gw Cuma inget nama lw talitha. Gw buka buku SD gw lagi masih ada nomor telepon rumah lw yang di titian dulu, mau gw telpon bingung takutnya salah orang.hehe..lagian gw pikir lw juga belum tentu inget gw. Tapi gw belum pernah cerita tentang lw sama orang lain. Pas SMP juga gw ketemu sama anak – anak mantan kelas A dulu gw coba Tanya yang namanya talitha banyak yang gak inget hehe…Waktu itu langsung mikir nih anak kayaknya pendiem banget ya. Nah pas SMP itu juga gw dapet sahabat lho..namanya navaldy dan stefanus. Navaldy ini temen lw pas SD lho dia anak A juga. Masuk SMA kok kayaknya ingatan tentang lw itu pasang surut ya? Gw pikir gak bakal ketemu lagi sama lw atau gak ya beberapa tahun yang akan datang. Makanya pas guru gw suruh bikin karangan tentang pengalaman teman gw bikin tokoh utamanya lw.Walaupun kayaknya banyak fiksinya sih tapi tetep gw coba gabung pake fakta, hasilnya juga gak bagus sih tapi gak tahu kenapa kayaknya bagus aja nih. Nah tokoh lw itu yang bikin temen gw ada yang tahu.hehe.(ini tugas praktek b.indonesia kelas 3). Sebelum itu pas kelas 2 Gw coba bikin Facebook tapi waktu Facebook masih janggal dan gw bikin Cuma buat iseng aja kayak gimana, eh malah gak ngerti. Nah, naik kelas 3 itu temen sekelas gw mulai pada bikin facebook deh. Akhirnya gw coba mw aktifin lagi deh facebook gw soalnya dah mulai musim pikir gw. Nah, pas itulah saat gw buka e-mail ada pemberitahuan dari facebook bahwa ada gw friend request dari Talitha K.wah gw langsung mikir apa iy ini temen gw ya waktu sd. Langsung gw Tanya temen gw kalo FB angusnya kapan?katanya dia 3 bulan kalo gak dibuka angus.Waduh..padahal gw bikin dah lama tuh FB. Tapi ya gw coba aja deh, tapi karena waktu itu bikin ngasal jadi gw lupa deh passwordnya.hehehe..Tapi pada akhirnya bisa juga diganti dan ketemu juga sama lw sekarang hehe…

Ini kayak karangan b.indonesia ya? Tapi gw Cuma mw ngomong itu aja tha..

Kayaknya emang susah buat lupain orang yang berkesan ya.hehe..gak tahu kapn lw bakal baca surat ini..tapi makasih ya..Lw itu cewek yang berkesan buat gw.oke..tapi gw emang kaku jadi gak bisa gamblang ngomong tentang perasaan sih sama lw."

that was a confession from damar, my old friend. We've been texting each other for a while. and just now I know, he has a crush on me, since primary school!! Okay, I knew it already, I knew he had a crush on me since I was in 3rd year of primary schoo. But hear from him? Just now only.

I appreciate his feeling. But still, I can't forget him. I know I have no chance. I just can't.
When I went with Damar, all I think was him. I imagined he was there, right in front of my eyes. When I went home alone, I saw the roads that I've been walked on with him. Memories along the road.
When I went to MM with Damar, I avoided the place I've been visited with him.

I ain't excited to meet Damar, but super excited to meet him.
When I saw Damar and sensed his scent, all I remembered is his scent.


I am an egoists. I know it. I know it I have been cruel. to myself, to damar, and to him.
I just can't look to another man instead of him.

what should I do?

quiz mania XD

long time no blogging, I would like to share my quiz result.. haha

You Believe that Love is Private

When you think of love, you think of building your own little world with someone In love, you see things how they could be. You are wrapped up in your own dreams. If you are in love, you want the whole world to know it. You don't hold back with letting people know. You are somewhat patient in love. You can wait for the right person, but once you have found the right one, you're very impatient.

The Rose Test

that's very like me. hehe

fkuii

first of all, alhamdulillahi rabbal 'alamin I got accepted in medical faculty in UII (Universitas Islam Indonesia). I got accepted in just one test, although I got the least rank. haha..
I still can't believe it, now I'm no longer status unknown anymore. hahaha
but still, there's some thoughts in whether I will take it or not.

first, I have to wear jilbab. It's not like I hate wearing it, but I don't feel ready yet. My pious isn't good enough, I don't consider my self as a good muslimah yet. Wearing jilbab feels like lying to others and myself.

second, do I really interested in medical?
answer is yes, I do.
do I have capability of being a doctor?
answer is I dunno.
it feels like my dilemma won't meet its ending. it's like never ending story, with a flat plot and a boring scenes.

third,
it feels like it's great being a doctor, and I have responsibility to take care of my grandfather. but... how about my dream of being a director?
can't I be a director? =X


Allah, please show the right way for me. T_T

ignorant

love me, hate me, just don't ignore me.

he did it again. he is being insensitive with me.
I dunno why, is it because of me, or it is simply his desire.
it hurts. when I called him but he didn't answer.
it hurts. when I walled him but he replied coldly and with short sentence.
Because of that, he always appear in my dreams nowadays.
even last night, I dreamt when I texted him and plead to let me know what's really happened, he told me that he actually had a cancer!
omg. that's terrible. T_T

anw, I am trying to fix this problem up. I'll talk to him and be good again. I hope.

and one thing, it makes me wonder. We're just friends. But with this kind of relation, we've had enough misunderstanding and fighting more than he with his lover.
I can't imagine if we become a couple. How many times we have to fight?

So I guess, he's not for me. =X

avoided.

he's been avoiding me, I guess.
Everytime I talk to him , in msn, ym or even fb!, he didn't answer me.
not a single word!

I feel sad, feel neglected, when I wanted to shared my problems, I feel like he's trying not to be there for me. what's my fault??

He's changed. Suren also changed. Even Lisa has changed.
Do people have to changed? I feel like the only one who hasn't changed.
But is it true? That I'm still the old me? =X

inspirate, expirate

final exams is now over.

now is the time to breathe for a while.
I've been thinking recently, I'm tired of being told by my parents, tired of hearing all those opinion, suggestions, orders and else. I'm sick of them all.
My mind get confused by all those opinion. My future get more blur.
I become don't know, what I want to achieve in this life. what I really want for my future.

what am I going to be?
a doctor?
a veterinary?
an ordinary employee?
housewife?
interpreter?
a director?

become somebody? anybody? or even nobody??
I dont know. I really have no clues.
The future scares me so.
The people confuses me.
The capability of myself upsets me.
I turn into a girl who likes to blame everyone including herself for all what has happened to her.
I don't like it. It is no good, both for myself and other people.

when I needed someone, who I thought will understand myself, I found nobody, including him, who wants to understands myself--even hearing my cries.
sad. confuse.

it's time to stop and think.

scold

he scolded me just now.
because I made him can't concentrate to his study..
so he told me to study. with a (!)

and I dunno why, but I feel happy. happy because for the first time he scolded me.
happy because he know that I will have my final exam on Monday..
happy that he still care about me (although he is more care to his study. hahaha)

but I AM HAPPY! xD

how weird love can change us.

anw, I'm really worry abt the final exam. gotta study.. T_T

confused.

"Are you really into medical, or it just because your father told you to enter the medical faculty? Make sure about this, because it would be such a waste if you drop out in the middle of your study."

how am I supposed to answer my mom's question?
I want to say, "It because I want to be beside him, Mum. Destiny calls me to stay next to him." but of course, I can't. She would scold me, tell my dad about my answer, tell his aunts, or maybe tell his mom!!

I can't.
So I said, "ya.. just see. Let time decide."

actually, I want to get into cinematography school. and make a movie.
so one day, when he watch movie, he will watch a movie that specially made for him, made by my ownself.

but I dunno, I really want to stay beside him. T_T

how am I supposed to do?!?

illution.

sendu.
sedih dan rindu.

when I got the chance to go to the places he used to hang out in, he wasn't there.
I went to the Gelora Bung Karno. I saw his friends--same faculty's students, i dunno if they are really his friends or not--I saw guy who looked like him but he actually wasn't there.
I went to Pasar Festival. I saw the bowling place he used to come with his friends. I stared inside, and he wasn't there.

I laughed outside. I cried inside.
I bathed. Relaxing my body. Tried to forget him already.
My body felt light. it floated. but everytime I moved my hand, it always cover my face.
like the crying gesture.

I want to cry.
But I can't.

Because of loving him, now I always think negatively about him, always wondering everytime, always have a burden in this heart.

If loving him hurts me so much, I don't want it now.
I want to forget this feeling for a moments..

I hate when I think about him, but he doesn't think about me at all.

I want to scream. outloud.
but why this voice can't come out?

a simple questionare..

I did this to distract my mind from thinking him.

1) Are you single or attached?
single, but I wish I'll be attached soon.

2) How old are you?
17, going to be 18 this year. :)

3) Do you have a person you are in love with?
yes, I am.

4) What is the name of the person you are in love with?
let me be the one who knows him.

5) If both your mother and your lover need to be saved, who will you pick?
then I'll save both of them. :)

6) Have you ever hugged someone before?
yup, I think. I hugged, err.. my sisters, parents and.. some boys when I was a kid? haha

7) Do you love your parents?
of course lah, they raised me from baby till now.

8) Will you hug the one you are in love with?
if I could. haha.. *pain smile*

9) Are you willing to do anything for your boyfriend/girlfriend?
if it makes sense.

10) Are you feeling jealous right now?
a bit. more to sad than jealous.

11) Who was the last person who messaged you and what was the message?
damar. "when will you arrived at home?"

12) Name the people in your clique.
lisa.laura.boim.grace.tania.andi.diaz.suren.nacita.mercy.febby.

13) Do you want to have a child in future?
of course.

14) Do you prefer Mcdonald's, KFC, Long John Silver or Burger King?
KFC is the best! xD

15) Are you skinny or fat?
totally skinny. haha
he even said that I was a bone soup.:P

16) Do you smoke?
nope. hard to breathe enough.

17) If you boyfriend/girlfriend is two-timer, what will you do?
ask him the reason, and tell him that he should tell me if he wants to break up.

18) If you found out that you have a disease, what will you do?
go to doctor, duh! if I can't live longer, then I'll leave messages for each my bestfriend.

19) Which CCA are you in?
huh?

20) If you are rich , what will you do?
buy tickets to Japan and stay there. to study cinematography.

21) If your lover held your hand , what will you do?
held him back and smile. :)

22) If your admirer rejected you , what will you do?
hey, he is the one who admire me, rite? why did he reject me??
okelah, now stay away from me.

23) What is your favourite cartoon character?
shinchan. haha

24) What is your personality like?
ambivert. I'm a shy person, but cheerful. and funny--my friends said.
mostly independent and rarely show my true emotion to others.

25) Friendship or love?
both of them. friendship also needs love.

26) Cookie monster or Elmo?
elmo cuter. :)

27) What is your horoscope?
the mysterious scorpio girl.

28) When is your birthday?
26 October.

29) Who is your idol?
Koike Teppei. Dad. Him.

30) Who you wished to marry to?
haha. everyone knows except the one I wants to marry with: him.

31) Do you like lollipop?
not really. it takes long time to finish it.

32) Do you have your own diary?
blog, yes.

33) Who are you scared of?
God.

34) Who is your first crush?
Salman? haha

35) If your face is destroyed , are you still happy?
not, unless he stays beside me forever.

36) Happy , sad , stress , lonely or moody?
sad and lonely.

37) What is the BIGGEST thing you afraid of?
meet him with his wife which isn't me in the future. >_<

38) If you are going to die , who will you first think of?
zai..

39) If you were kidnapped , who will you want to call for help first?
dad or diaz.

40)Who you think you are?
a girl with lots of personality: Talitha x tita, kai x rui, ichijo x chizuru.

41) Which do you prefer , bee or mosquito?
mosquito. at least they dont sting.

42) Are you scared of insects?
yupz.

43) If you saw ghost , what will you do?
pretend not to see it and go as fast as I can.

44) If you found out who your secret admirer was, what will you do?
ask him to meet you directly.

45) If you had a quarrel with your clique, what will you do?
fix it right away.

46) If you fought with your boyfriend/girlfriend and he/she wants to break , what will you do?
say "let's we think about it cold headed. I dont want any regret caused by one word made in emotion."

47) Do you love soft toys?
like dolls? yeah.. haha

48) Do you think you are gay/lesbian?
not at all.

49) Have you ever entered the girl/boy's toilet?
yup! I was looking for a mop and my senior's shoes. haha

50) Who do you wish to be chatting with right now?
diaz.

51) Are you bored now?
not really..

52) Are you blur?
yep, on my future. haha

53) If you can have your hair dyed , what colour do you want it to be?
red or blue. :D

54) Do you wear spectacles?
yep. bad eyesights

55) What colour shirt are you wearing now?
white

56) What brand of school bag you use?
donno. haha

57) Have you bathed?
not yet. =P

58) How many people are there in your family?
6 of them. parents, me, 3 lil sista..

59) What is your full name?
Talitha Khairunisa.

60) Lock yourself in the room or cut yourself with penknife?
lock myself lah..

61) How many % do you give the boy you are in love with?
I'd like to give 100% but it seems he doesn't need me.

62) Do you miss your ex?
not at all.

63) Are you scared of losing the most precious things in life?
yep. =X

64) What is the blog url of the person you are in love with?
xxxxxpiecesofxxxx.blogspot.com

65) Do you hate anyone?
nope..

66) Do you wish your mother was hugging you now?
noo.. wat for?

67) Are you sitting or standing now?
laying. haha

68) Have you eaten?
not yet.

69) How many people have you blocked in your MSN?
no one. :D

70) If your idol came to the country that you are in now, what will you do?
try to meet him rite away~

71) If you get to shake hands with your idol, what will you do?
shake it back and smile happily.

72) Do you have a pet?
yup. cats and turtles.

73) Who was the last person you chatted with in MSN?
taufik..

74) How many people have you beaten before?
one, in primary school. haha

75) If your boyfriend/girlfriend don't love you anymore, what will you do?
keep loving him.

76) If you win a car, what will you do with it?
keep it. haha

77) If your boyfriend/girlfriend cannot live for more than a week , what will you do?
stay beside him until the very last time and tell him my feeling until he get bored of it. haha

78) If you fall down , will you stand up on your own or ask people to help you?
stand up on my own.

79) How many TV(s) do you have?
three.

80) What will you wear during your first date?
anything suits me.

81) What is your email address?
ichijo_chizuru@hotmail.com

82) Who do you think annoys you the most?
mum.

83) What school are you in now?
Karya Iman High School.

84) Do you like your form teacher?
not really..

85) In school , who are you most scared of?
Mrs. Imelda, haha

86) What musical instrument do you wish to have in your house?
violin or drum.

87) During weekends, what will you do?
slacking off, like usual. hahaha

88) Do you prefer fever or flu?
fever.

89) Do you prefer laptop or desktop?
laptop.

90) What colour contacts do you prefer wearing?
tosca or grey.

91) What fruit do you like the most?
lychee. ^^

92) What is your mobile phone number?
+6285711424966

93) Do you prefer I-Phone or normal mobile phone?
normal one. I-Phone doesn't have keypad unless the touchpad one..

94) If your pants drop at a very crowded place, what will you do?
put it back and run without looking anywhere/to anyone. ASAP.

95) Are you scared of chilli?
dislike it. haha

96) Are you wearing any accessories now?
necklace.

97) Do you like rainbows?
depends..

98) What subject you love most?
japanese.

99) If you were to confess infront of the person you are in love with and the whole school, what will you do?
say that I really love him no matter what.

100) Which do you prefer cute/chio/handsome boys/girls?
looks doesn't really matter. I prefer the smart one. :)

sedih.

sedihkah dirimu ketika orang yang kau sayangi sedang bersedih hati?
sedihkah dirimu ketika orang yang kau sayangi justru bersimpati dan mengkhawatirkan dirimu ketika kamu mengalami kegagalan bahkan di saat ia sedang sedih?
sedihkah dirimu ketika tahu ternyata orang yang sayangi sedang bersedih hati dan ia tidak memberitahu dirimu sama sekali?
sedihkah dirimu ketika kamu menyadari bahwa kamu tidak bisa melakukan apa-apa untuk meringankan rasa sedihnya, tak bisa ada untuknya, bahkan ia tidak tahu bahwa kau peduli padanya?

itulah yang aku rasakan.

sedih, sedih sekali rasanya hati ini.
ingin rasanya aku berteriak, berteriak di hadapannya...
"gue sayang elo, dari dulu jg gue sayang elo! tapi lo gak pernah tau kan? makanya, buat apa lo pendam semua masalah lo sendiri?? apa gunanya gue, apa artinya gue buat lo, sebagai seorang sahabat yang sangat sayang sama lo?!!"

tapi dia, tetaplah seorang lelaki yang begitu mandiri, yang memecahkan segala masalahnya seorang diri. yang diam-diam merindukan kasih sayang dan perhatian dari orang tuanya, yang dalam diam menjerit memohon seseorang untuk bersandar.

tak bisakah aku jadi tempatmu bersandar? bahkan untuk sejenak??

[curahan hati seorang sahabat]

translate:

do you feel sad if the one you loved were in blue?
do you feel sad if the one you loved shympatize you and worrying you when you failed, even when he was the one who's sad?
do you feel sad when you know that the one you loved is blue and he doesn't tell you any single words at all?
do you feel sad when you realized that you can do nothing to lift his burden, can't be beside him, even he doesn't know that you DO care for him?

I do.
that's what I feel.

sad, really sad. this heart broke.

I wanna scream at the top of my lungs in front of his face,
"I love you, I adore you, I affect you, from the past until now. But you didn't get any clue rite? That's why you don't need to keep all your burden alone. what's the point of my existance as a best friend who loves you so, if not for sharing your problem??"

but he, still be a very independent man, who solved all his problem alone, who secretly miss the love and affection from his parents, who screamed in his silence begged for someone to be leaned on.

can't I be the place for you leaned? be the shoulder for you to cry on, even for a while?

[confession of a bestfriend]

ps: di, your voice may not be heard by my ears, but your feeling did. do you hear my feeling?

second part of destiny.

the result of SIMAK UI has been announced.
It should be on Saturday, but I postponed it until today, so it didn't distract me from my study for UGM.
And yeah, it was said: "SORRY. YOU CAN'T BE ACCEPTED AS UNIVERSITY OF INDONESIA STUDENT YET."

sad?
yes, of course.
disappointed?
very.
give up?
no.

there is no such thing as give up now. Everybody failed (my friends, I mean), so it is no big deal.
what's made me sad was...
I made up a deal with God, that if HE is my destined man, then let me get into UI. and I failed.
Does it mean that he is not the right one?
eventhough I loved him so? =X

oh yaa.. I am glad that he is still care with me, eventhough just a little. He asked about my result and even ask my permission to see the result.
It is better than being insensitive like usual.
Glad that his old part of personality still exists. =D

anw, Tyo had a girlfriend!! hwaa...
I dislike his girl! coz I think she is not the right girl for him. She often known as the 'sexy' wannabe in school. >_< brother! break up with her!! xD

fight Titha!!
There is another test waiting..

here, this lyrics describe my situation.. (:

Miley Cyrus - The Climb

"I can almost see it
That dream I’m dreaming but
There’s a voice inside my head sayin,
You’ll never reach it,
Every step I’m taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes i'm going to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

The struggles I’m facing,
The chances I’m taking
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I’m not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I’m going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on,
Cause...

There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes i'm going to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes i'm going to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It’s all about
It’s all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith"

lots of things...

lots of things has happened. since I can't online, I can't tell everything.

let's flashback for a while.

1. my facebook has been abled again, within the same day. haha
2. my laptop's adaptor has been blown up. It was full of smoke and it was melted. hahaha
3. my practice test was..... quite miserable. haha
my english test is the worst. how could I say "Alice would not fall into the hole if she has not followed the white rabbit." It supposed to be "didnt"!!! argghhh...
4. my laptop has been reinstalled and now, the 'm', ", left arrow, ctrl, alt, backspace and home button isn't functional anymore. I have to use the on screen keyboard to type.
what's more, there are no msn, yahoo! messenger, photoshop, flash player, mozilla and other standard facilities being installed. grrrr....


now, I have to concentrate. But he was disturbing me.
He who pay affection on me, and he whom I loved. They are a very different people. and disturb me in a very different ways too. =X

facebook has been disabled.

hwaa...

damn you hacker!!
because of the trojan horse u brought to my laptop, now my facebook account has been disabled!
hwaaa~~

how do I live now? T_T

asthma symptoms?

I got asthma symptom?

I donno. This friday when I just got home, I danced in front of my mirror.
Then I heard sound like dying cat inside my body.
"ngik..ngik..ngik.." everytime I move my body. I was scared, thought I finally suffered asthma. =X
So when I saw zaI online, I asked him about his asthma, to compare with my condition.
I asked Nacita too. For that day, they are my personal doctors. hehehe

Weird, I can still breathe easily. Just felt something remain in my chest, a little bit pushed my chest.
That was my first time experienced breath noise. But I already experienced pain in my left chest a long time ago.
"nyeri", in Indonesian. It's like something inside my chest pushed it outside, but inside also. =X
I consultate my left chest problem with zaI and he said it could be asthma or heart attack.

omg.

I'm scared.

zaI and Nacita told me to go check up for doctor.
But mom said it just because I was lack of exercising. wth?
Mom, don't u worry about ur daughter? o.O

For this moment, I think it just because I'm too tired with those tasks and lack of sleep.
Furthermore, we'll see. I hope I won't suffer anything. hehe


yesterday:
I went to the cinema, watched for "Kambing Jantan".
The movie was actually funny and good. But the plot was not really good.
Made me bored because of Dika and Kebo fights. ==a


And seeing Dika made me remembered abt him.
I want to meet him. T_T

And just now I imagining if I married him and then we have a happy family.
with a daughter and son.

question is: will it become true? when there's only her in his eyes? =X

the day the day

It is the day of SIMAK UI.

I got nervous at the night before and almost cry (again), but I hold it back and try to stand up on my own feet.
I can do it, yes, I believe I can.

Moreover, this is what I want. to be with him. to be a helpful person (in this context, as a doctor) if I given by a chance.

today, I made a lot of trouble in the exam room. hahaha
so silly and troublesome.

I can hardly done the test but weirdly, I feel that I can do it. No matter what the result will takes, I enjoyed the test.

God, if I really meant to be with him, then please make me pass this enrollment.
I already done my best (the best I could do within 1 weeks), let God do the rest..

btw, when I just got home I fell asleep due to tiredness..
n I dreamed I met Zai, who has been sick and helpless. I stayed beside him but can do nothing. =X
and just now, I watched Gossip Girl, and saw the Chuck-Blair scenes where was look like my dream.
fyi, I've never watched this episodes before.

weird.
And it made me miss him. again.
when I decide to forget him and all memories I've had with him. like I have done years ago.

God, please assist me~ >_<

Love Hurts.

"Aku ingin mencintaimu dengan sederhana.
Dengan kata yang tak sempat diucapkan
kayu kepada api yang menjadikannya abu.
Aku ingin mencintaimu dengan sederhana
Dengan isyarat yang tak sempat disampaikan
awan kepada hujan yang menjadikannya tiada."

(Sapardi Djoko Damono - Aku Ingin)

"Maybe he believes me, maybe not.
Maybe I can marry him, maybe not.
Maybe the wind on the praire,
the wind on the sea, maybe,
somebody, somewhere, maybe can tell.
I will lay my head on his shoulder
And when he asks me I will say yes,
maybe."

(Carl Sandburg - Maybe)

"How can I smile, when my heart bleeds hard?
How can I happy for you, when your happiness is not me?
How can I still love you, when you keep hurting me?
How can I miss you, when you never really beside me
How can I hate you, when my heart told the opposite
How can I keep waiting for you, when you never know I really do that
How can I tell you I love you, when you're in love with her?
How can I tell you I want you, when you never wants me?
How can I give you everything, when you give me nothing in return?

All I want is to love you, and to be loved by you.
But you have her, and I have you not.
You have me, you don't want me.

Tears were dried up. Heart has broken.
It's a unrequited blind love.
For you. Just from me.
Forever I'll be. Loving You."

(Talitha - when I love you)

I want to cry.
He seems love her so bad, and I am nothing for him.
A bestfriend that less worthy than his friends, way less worthy than her.
When love hurts you so badly, why do you keep falling for him for many times?
I just realized that, since we're primary, I can't take my eyess off from him.
When he moved out suddenly, it hurted me bad that the part of my memories that contained my memories with him were erased.
Erased in his part only.
Until now, I don't even remember where were him when I did something in the past. Eventhough, in fact, he was in the same place with me.

T_T


*sick of loving him*