despair

my mood is awful now.
I'm eagerly wait for the entrance test of Swiss German University to be announced. Herling said her result was out on Friday when she took the test. And her friend was PHONED by the SGU's people.
And me? Received no call, received no email or mail, saw nothing about the previous test I have taken in internet. What could be worst than this ?
I just want to know whether I passed this test or not.

I'm lack of confidence now. seriously.
I'm hopelessly waiting here in despair, speechless in anxiety, and almost breathless everytime I think about the possibility of not getting into SGU.
I never been failed in any entrance exams.

And I don't want this to be my first failure.
Yes, Scorpio nature personality: afraid of rejection.

I want to cry, and scream, and blaming myself if I get the worst to happen.
But I know it just too exaggerating.
I must be strong, whatever it takes.
I learned from someone who have been failed many times. Failure is just a postponed successful. Or maybe it's not my fate I belong in there.
I dunno lah...

See I been deaf, and I been scared,
I been discriminated against and compared,
To you whose my brother, thanks to you I discovered.
There's only one way to go in life and that's be right.

There's only one way to do right, right, right, right,
There's only one way to do right, right, right, right,
See me, I aint always done right, right, right, right,
That's why I'm here to help you fight, fight, to do right.

Cause in life there are decisions to make but it's your choice,
But I chose to walk away, rather than wildin out, and get locked away.
See my friends all chose the fast money, but I chose my Father.
Cause I knew he'd come for me and recover me, already dead.
See what I'm trying to say, is I'm trying to be the best man I can be.
And when I see you too, struggling to do the best you can do.
You may run into a rock, but you can't let it stop what's planned for you,
So make the right choice. [Mario - Do Right]

See?
That's why, let God just decide what's best for me.
Or is there 'somebody' who actually doesn't want me to go college in SGU and prefer me to go to his university ? hahaha
just kidding.
although I would be happy if he really thought so. =)

2nd day of Try Out

today I'm doing fine.
First day with my new hairdo. haha

and then I worked on my chemical try out quite well. At least not as bad as math...
and at the afternoon chatted with grandpa and Kai!!
yep, Kai. finally after a long time lost contact.
He's still as kind as before. haha

He explained to me about biomedical engineering and biomedical sciences. ^^

ahh...
I'm sleepy when it's time for private tutor. Studying physics,, arghh...
so confusing. I don't like it.

anw Andrew is present today at school. And after finished his english he came straight to Febby. Rub her head and talk with tender and care. ahahahaha

okay, maybe I'm too exaggerating. xP

ah I have to study but I'm to lazy... >_<
what should I do?

Try Out!!

Try Out tomorrow!!!

have to study but why am I sitting in front of laptop now ?
hahaha
It is because I had feeling that Suren would be online, so I turned on my laptop and tadaa... grandpa's here!! ^^

okay, now I have to study. REally really study.
Forget him okay...!! fight! ^^

go on boy

broken heart, I guess.

He has a crush with his friend and working on it..


Today I went with him to Mall Taman Anggrek. I thought we'll gonna ice skated till drop down but unfortunately, his friend can't skate. So we both skating just for a while.
He first asked for documentation, which made me happier, coz yahh.. I never had picture together with him. Since we're in primary school. yeah.
But he just then canceled it, because Melly (his friend) won't skate anymore. It means he want to take a picture by three of us.

Melly is a good girl, really kind actually. Although I kinda hate her in d first time, since she's ignoring me at first and just talk and cuddle with him.
She's also look like a children, the way she acts really childish, but also mature in the same time. I guess that's called 'cute': something I could never do.

And my mood got worse when we're gonna having lunch. I hate them both for asking me where I want to go but their choices really limited.
I hate him for sharing his attention. I hate him for listening to her request and ignoring mine. I hate him for treating me the same as he treat her. I hate him for being too kind to every girl. I hate him for cut my story that I want to told him. I hate him to love her crush and consider her as his future wife. I hate him for telling me the truth.
I hate to admit that I want him.

I'm not blaming Melly, she is really nice, really really a nice girl. Unlike me.
She even a bit worried when I got silenced and I guess I made her a bit scared. And him too. Sorry, guys, it's not your faults. It's mine who never be mature.

I have to move on though..
Exam coming up and I still have my deal with God. And my bet with Suren also. I guess I'm gonna win. haha

anyway, I have to endure. I tried as hard as I can to prevent my self from wanting his hug, wanting his lips, wanting his scent, his voice. Prevent from trying to revealed this forbidden feeling. Prevent myself from hug him tight and never let him go again. Supressed my desire to be touched to him.

I HATE MYSELF. SO STUPID.

aah,, I want to cry but this tears just won't go down.
anw, I guess this is what the dream means.
The dream I had before--which I wrote in this blog a few months ago.
In that dream, there was a girl which come near him and embrace with him.
whatever. I don't care .

* note: his voice is good! seriously. I heard him when he read 'adzan'.. It was good~, although there's some missing note. hahaha
This is the first time I ever heard him do the 'adzan' call..
okay.. should end this. =)



Ne-Yo Go On Girl (*I changed it into 'Go On Boy' :P)

[V1:]
I can get it back, but
I don't want it back, I
Realized that,
He don't know how to act
Never been a dumb dude
No I'm not dense
I Just had a slight lack
Of common sense
I was the good girl
He was the bad guy
I'm thinking one boy
He thinking me, ****
***** and ****
Yep he had plenty
But love for me, he didn't have any

I was inviting, him into my heart
But he was out riding in
some other girl's car
He was my night time,
thought I was his star
Guess I was wrong,
but see I'm strong
Wont take long for me to move on

[Hook:]
Please don't worry bout me I'm fine
(Please don't worry bout me I'm fine)
Only gonna play the fool one time
(Only gonna play the fool one time)
Trust me when I say
That I'll be ok
Go on boy
(Go on boy)
Go on boy
(Go on boy)
Go on boy

[V2:]
I can get it back, but
I don't want it back, I
Realized that,
He don't know how to act
Tried to settle down and
look what I get
Thought it was my time,
but I guess not yet
He at the bar getting
drinks from many girl
I'm in the house,
thinking he's with his
boyfriends
just not knowing,
truly not knowing
I look back now like,
man, I was open

I was inviting, him into my heart
But he was out riding in
some other girl's car
he was my night time,
thought I was his star
Guess I was wrong,
but see I'm strong
Wont take long for me to move on

[Hook:]
Please don't worry bout me I'm fine
(Please don't worry bout me I'm fine)
Only gonna play the fool one time
(Only gonna play the fool one time)
Trust me when I say
That I'll be ok
Go on boy
(Go on boy)
Go on boy
(Go on boy)
Go on boy

[Bridge]
The mistake I made is clear
(we never shoulda been together)
That's the reason youre not here
(I know that I can do much better)
Not a single salty tear
Not a feeling in my chest
Baby I'm feeling no stress
I'm too fly to be depressed

Go on boy
Go on boy
Go on boy
Go on boy

[Hook:]
Please don't worry bout me I'm fine
(Please don't worry bout me I'm fine)
Only gonna play the fool one time
(Only gonna play the fool one time)
Trust me when I say
That I'll be ok
Go on boy
(Go on boy)
Go on boy
(Go on boy)
Go on boy



** P.S. : I smell his scent for the last time I guess. This is farewell.

miss him

ahh.. I should be studying now, but among those organic chem formulas, there's always his face, floating in my mind.
I really really want to hug him tight, feel his warmth heart, and mess with him. haha
But it just can't happen rite now. Sad..

anw, I'm searching for perfume that smells like him,, but too bad I can't find it. Actually I found one but I forgot which one..*sigh*
so I bought another perfume, Burberry Man, and it actually smell good too!
Now I'm smell like a man. lol





aahhhhh...
wanna meet him!!! >_<


but the things I know, he still remember his 'monkey love'...=X
and yet his impression about me haven't change from when we're in primary school.

Reflection of My Heart

haahh... when it's time ppl fall in love, she would think that every love song is written to her. lol

The Academy Is - ABout a Girl (Boy)

One song about a boy
I can't breathe when I'm around him
I'll wait here everyday
In case he'll scratch the surface
He'll never notice

I'm not in love
This is not my heart
I'm not gonna waste these words
About a boy

Last night I knew what to say
But you weren't there to hear it
These lines so well rehearsed
Tongue tied and overloaded
You never notice

I'm not in love
This is not my heart
I'm not gonna waste these words
About a boy

I'm not in love
This is not your song
I'm not gonna waste these words
About a boy

To be loved, to be loved
What more could you ask for
To be loved, to be loved
Everyone wants
To be loved, to be loved
What more could you ask for
To be loved, to be loved
Everyone...

I'm not in love
This is not my heart
I'm not gonna waste these words

I'm not in love
This is not my heart
I'm not gonna waste these words
About a boy

I'm not in love
This is not your song
I'm not gonna waste these words
About a boy



Mi - SUnset

Yuuhi ga kage wo hosoku nobashita　Kokoro wo fukaku someteiku
Kitto saigo no jikan dato　Namida koraeteta
Omoide nante itsumo kanashi sugiru bakari
Isso wasureteshimaitaiyo
Nidoto aenai kimi no senaka to　Saigo no yuuhi mitsume tsuduketa

Itsumo itsumo yasashisugitane　Ima wa ososugiru keredo

Stop the sunset　Kimi wo ushinaitakunai
Sora wo dakishimete tsutsumi komu youni
Sotto utsumuita kimi no yokogao
Yuuhiyo konomama shizumanaideite

Itsumo sugoshita futari no heya to
Umi wo aruita PHOTOGRAPH
Hitotsu kawashita yakusoku ga　Hatasezu sugiteiku
Kokoro hosoku natteta　Hitori no heya ni suwatte
Tooku ni kikoeru ameoto
Itsuka wasureteiku kimochi naraba
Konnani kokoro kurushimenaide

Sotto sotto kobore ochiteiku　Ima wa kono ame ni utare

Mou naiteiikana　Kimi wa inaiyo
Namida afuretemo tomenaideite
Ameyo koorasete kono kokoro made
Sotto konomama kieteshimaitaiyo

Stop the sunset　Ima wa utawanaideite
Umi ni ochiteyuku　Kanashii iro ne
Zutto kono basho de hitori ni sasete
Yuuhiyo konomama　Shizumanaideite



Izumi Katou - Suki dakara

Jaa mata ne te wo futta
Ushiro sugata anna ni mou
Yuugure no hitonami ni yurenagara chiisaku naru

Anata ga kureta kotoba wo hitotsuzutsu
Omoidashi me wo tojita
Shiawasena omoi dake koko ni aru hazu nano ni
Fuan ni naru doushite nano kokoro ga furueteru no

Tsutaetai motto sou afureteru kono kimochi
Suki dakara suki dakara zettai suki dakara

Furimuite kakedashite
Oikakete ikitai kedo
Yuugure no sabishisa ga sonna yuuki nomikonda

Anata no egao no naka ni watashi wa iru
Sukoshi hanareta dakede
Maigo ni natta youna kodomo mitai nakidashisou
Sunao nara konna omoi shinakutemo sumu no ni na

Karappo no watashi dake koko ni ite sakenderu
Suki dakara suki dakara zettai suki dakara


Khalil Fong - Sing Along Song

I wrote this song it's not too long
cos' I've been thinking 'bout you
I wrote this song maybe I'm wrong
To be caught up about you

Well I don't know what you think 'bout me
Maybe you think nothing at all
But maybe you could just lie to me
And we could be in love you see

Oh it's a singalong song that's not too long
It's when I think about you that I hear songs
And you can singalong maybe if you want to
Cos' baby I wrote this I wrote this for you

I wrote this song it's not too long
Cos' I'm the one who loves you
I wrote this song this can't be wrong
I don't wanna smile without you

Well I just want to make you happy
but maybe you want nothing at all
and how I wish that you're meant to be
forever and a day with me


Oh it's a singalong song that's not too long
It's when I think about you that I hear songs
And you can singalong maybe if you want to
Cos' baby I wrote this I wrote this for you

In everyway you mean more to me
than you'll ever know
girl I'll do my best to show these words are true
and if you'd like to make a song
and be a perfect harmony with me
I'd find the greatest words sing
so we could write our own romance

Oh it's a singalong song that's not too long
It's when I think about you that I hear songs
And you can singalong maybe if you want to
Cos' baby I wrote this I wrote this for you

Oh it's a singalong song that's not too long
It's when I think about you that I hear songs
And you can singalong maybe if you want to
Cos' baby I wrote this I wrote this for you

Cos' baby I wrote this I wrote this for you


Mario - Do Right

*) yeaahh!! Finally I found this song!! xD
I always love the refrain part but I don't catch any clue for the title and the singer of this song.


What have I missed
Living like this
Who did I get this for
Fancy house and my fancy car
While your living like this
Together as kids
You were my best of friend
All the trouble you got up in
See I been there
And I been scared
I been discriminated against and compared
To you who's my brother
Thanks to you I discovered
There's only one way to go in life and that's be right

There's only one way to do right right right right [x2]
See me I ain't always done right right right right
that's why I'm here to help you fight
fight to do right

You were the queen in my future I was the one you was used to
It was like we were one
up under the sun
And heartaches in your system the love I should've unlisted
Now look what we've become
But I shouldn't judge

See I been there
And I been scared
I been discriminated against and compared
To you who's my mother
now through u I discovered
There's only one way to go through life and that's be right

There's only one way to do right right right right [x2]
See me I ain't always done right right right right
that's why I'm here to help you fight
fight to do right

Cause in life there a decisions to make
but its your choice
But I chose to walk away
Rather that wild'n not a chance to be locked away
See my friends all chose the fast money
but I chose my boy
Cause I knew you'd come for me
Yea you'd come for me
Yea any day

See what I'm trying to say is that I'm trying to be the best man I can be
And what I see in you struggling and do the best you can do
You may run into a rock but you cant let it stop what's planned for you
So make the right choice

There's only one way to do right right right right [x2]
See me I aint always done right right right right
that's why im here to help you fight
To do right

There's only one way to do right right right right [x2]
See me I aint always done right right right right
that's why im here to help you fight
fight to do right




Frankie J - Is This What You Call Love

You've seen him many times,
There's no use denying,
I've heard you on the phone

I've even followed you to all the places were you've secretly have been alone

I even know about the times when you would say to me that you was overwhelmed with work,
you had to stay longer working overtime,
but you were always lying,
Baby I might be dumb but I'm not blind

At times I feel like I want to break down inside

I got to find a way out cuz this is tearing me to pieces, I just want to make it right

Is this what you call love explain to me baby, Is this really what you want from me
(Is this what you want from me)

I'am losing my patience, just hear what I'am saying You don't want to break this family
(Don't break this family)

Is this what you call love
Then you got it all wrong
This isn't the way our lives should be
I just won't allow somebody to become between us

Is this what you call love
Is this what you call love

You come home late at night,
Pretending it's alright,
acting like you're doing nothing wrong,
As you lay down right beside me,
inside I am dying

You just don't understand the pain that you have put me thru (just don't understand)

After all the thing I have ever done for you,
sometimes I rather be alone
than have a broken home
whatever happened to forever, cuz I still want to know, explain to me you change of heart

Is this what you call love



Super Junior - Marry U (English)

You are my everything
My dazzlingly beautiful bride
You are a gift from god
We'll be very happy, your black eyes well up with tears
Even if your black mesmerizing hair turns white
My love, you my love, I swear I love you
Sung Min:
Saying I love you is what I want to do the most everyday in my life
Ryeo Wook:
Would you marry me? I want to love you, treasure you, and live with you
Kangin:
I want you to lean on my shoulders each time you sleep
Heechul:
Would you marry me?
With this heart of mine, will you accept me?
Kyu Hyun:
To accompany you for the whole lifetime, I do
To love you, I do
Yesung:
Regardless of snow and rain, i will be there to protect you, I do
Let me be the one to protect you, my love

Dong Hae:
you wearing the white bridal gown
Me wearing the suit
Both of us walking in sync towards the stars and moon, I swear
No lies, no suspicion
My dearest princess, stay with me

Siwon:
Even if we are becoming older, we will smile and live on
Eeteuk:
Would you marry me? Are you willing to live the rest of your life with me?

Ryeo Wook:
no matter how weary and tired we are, I do
I will always be by your side, I do

Yesung:
The days when we will spend together, I do
Everyday will my heart be thankful, my love

Kyu Huyn:
I have prepared this ring for you since a long time ago,
Please take this shiny ring in my hand

Yesung:
Just like the mood today, remember the promise that we're making now
Would you marry me?

Sung Min:
To accompany you for the whole lifetime,I do
To love you, I do
Regardless of snow and rain, I will be there to protect you, I do
Let me be the one to protect you, my love

Eun Hyuk:
The only thing that I can give you is love
Although it's insignificant
Even though there are areas which I lack
I will protect the love between us, me and you
Let's make a promise, no matter what happens we will still be in love
And even so...

Background:
I do
I will always be by your side, I do
The days when we will spend together, I do
Everyday will my heart be thankful, my love

Ryeo Wook:
Will you marry me? I do

First Part of Destiny

this afternoon I took the enrollment test for SGU.
I'm surprised that the english test was made for TOEFL!! not just an ordinary English test.. =="
and more surprised when I saw the Math test.
I forgot all d math formulas, moreover it's 14 number essay with 100 points in total.
haizzz...
the assessment test also a bit helpless...

well, now I'm only pray for the best, pray for what God have decided to be happen.
If it's my destiny that I'm going there then I shall be.
And yes, I pray for God:

IF HE DOESN'T BELONG TO ME, THEN I SHOULD BE SEPARATED FROM HIM. Coz it's gonna hurt if I see him with another girl I don't know. AND IF MY DESTINED MAN IS REALLY HIM, THEN LET ME TAKE THE SAME FACULTY WITH HIM AND MAKE US GETTING CLOSER.
The answer is really only God knows.

Let's play 'what if'..
1. then, what if, what if I don't get accepted in Swiss German University ?
Well, I may pray that I got accepted in UNS or maybe being a doctor in UI or UGM will be my destined career? I donno.
2. What if I got accepted in SGU and UNS ?
amin thx God! if it do happen. xD
well, probably I'll discuss it with my parents which one is best.
3. What if I don't get accepted in neither SGU nor UNS?
well I hope it won't happen though... *amit2*
then I shall focus on SIMAK UI and UTUL UGM.. :)
4. What if I failed in both SIMAK UI and UTUL UGM ?
OMG!! then I shall take college in President University... =X
no God, please~~ T_T


anw, recently, when I saw one of his photos, I thought "wow, he's cute with his new hair!"
and I just can't stop myself from looking on that photo every time I could. then I saw his another photo. He's not handsome. serious.
His body's fat, his leg is as big as a turnip, his hair is a mess. His attitude to me is rude! But that's just the way he is.


I'm afraid that I'm falling in love. No, I don't want to fall for him.
Another guy please, just don't him!
I can't, coz he won't. I noticed that from the beginning he always prevent every single act that's gonna made me flatter..
he never said that I'm beautiful although the others said so. But he always said that I'm smart.
He never scold me, even though I ordered him to do so.
He never said that I'm stupid but by his word I caught his words' meaning said that I'm not beautiful. T_T
He never wants to be with me when there's nobody around. We only met in public place.
He always act uninterested when I said about boys I liked or boys who liked me, but when he told me about his girls, he told me excitedly.
When my friends tease us by saying we're attached or sumthin, he clearly declared that we're just friend. underlined and bold.
Everytime I told him to tell me the truth eventhough it's gonna hurt me. But I know he's not clearly tell ALL the things he wanna say.
Everytime I get sick, he won't pity me. He don't even care. He just said "illness would erase a little of our sins."

that's why, I don't get him. I don't really know what he mean, but all I know is we're just friend.
I can't fall for him unless he fall for me too. (which is a lil bit impossible)
And I know, it isn't time for love.
Exam coming rite up~~ >_<

sigh..

fuhh...
again, yesterday he insulted me.
he said that the boys are prettier than me! OMG..
I think he really need his glasses, how can he didn't see my beauty? =P
wakakaka

ok i noe he's not serious (is it?) but I must be happy if he would praise my look at least once. =="
what a meanie friend.

ohkaayy~~
tomorrow's gonna be electrics exam nd also tomorrow Suren gonna be 18th!! xD
going to be grandpa soon.. lol


btw, I made up my mind to study.
coz SGU enrollment test is coming right up nd UI's enrollment also in d next 2 months.
drawing near:
The 1st Try Out
midterm exam
2nd Semester Exam



so much to say that I lost all my words.
anw, I miss the time I was in love. I need someone to love nd to be loved.
How lonely I am~
ahahaha =P

fun happy frustrating day

i dreamt about 'ichigo'.
In my dream, I rode motorcycle with him, the one dat I would never had in reality.
It's fun. hahaha

by the way today @ school, d principal told us, d 12 graders not to slacking off bcoz final exam is coming near.
nd he told me d criteria to pass the exam.
frustrating huh?

now i'm in cybercafe, chatting with Suren (besties!!) nd Laura. Suren surely brighten my mood. I was on hiatus too long nd it's fun to be online. ^^
but unfortunately there is SOMEONE who made my mood worse.
how hard is it just to say HI??

anw, enrollment test coming up nd I have to study hard.
Mom n Dad wanted me to get into medical faculty.
silly. ==a

gtg.