ignorant

love me, hate me, just don't ignore me.

he did it again. he is being insensitive with me.
I dunno why, is it because of me, or it is simply his desire.
it hurts. when I called him but he didn't answer.
it hurts. when I walled him but he replied coldly and with short sentence.
Because of that, he always appear in my dreams nowadays.
even last night, I dreamt when I texted him and plead to let me know what's really happened, he told me that he actually had a cancer!
omg. that's terrible. T_T

anw, I am trying to fix this problem up. I'll talk to him and be good again. I hope.

and one thing, it makes me wonder. We're just friends. But with this kind of relation, we've had enough misunderstanding and fighting more than he with his lover.
I can't imagine if we become a couple. How many times we have to fight?

So I guess, he's not for me. =X

avoided.

he's been avoiding me, I guess.
Everytime I talk to him , in msn, ym or even fb!, he didn't answer me.
not a single word!

I feel sad, feel neglected, when I wanted to shared my problems, I feel like he's trying not to be there for me. what's my fault??

He's changed. Suren also changed. Even Lisa has changed.
Do people have to changed? I feel like the only one who hasn't changed.
But is it true? That I'm still the old me? =X

inspirate, expirate

final exams is now over.

now is the time to breathe for a while.
I've been thinking recently, I'm tired of being told by my parents, tired of hearing all those opinion, suggestions, orders and else. I'm sick of them all.
My mind get confused by all those opinion. My future get more blur.
I become don't know, what I want to achieve in this life. what I really want for my future.

what am I going to be?
a doctor?
a veterinary?
an ordinary employee?
housewife?
interpreter?
a director?

become somebody? anybody? or even nobody??
I dont know. I really have no clues.
The future scares me so.
The people confuses me.
The capability of myself upsets me.
I turn into a girl who likes to blame everyone including herself for all what has happened to her.
I don't like it. It is no good, both for myself and other people.

when I needed someone, who I thought will understand myself, I found nobody, including him, who wants to understands myself--even hearing my cries.
sad. confuse.

it's time to stop and think.

scold

he scolded me just now.
because I made him can't concentrate to his study..
so he told me to study. with a (!)

and I dunno why, but I feel happy. happy because for the first time he scolded me.
happy because he know that I will have my final exam on Monday..
happy that he still care about me (although he is more care to his study. hahaha)

but I AM HAPPY! xD

how weird love can change us.

anw, I'm really worry abt the final exam. gotta study.. T_T

confused.

"Are you really into medical, or it just because your father told you to enter the medical faculty? Make sure about this, because it would be such a waste if you drop out in the middle of your study."

how am I supposed to answer my mom's question?
I want to say, "It because I want to be beside him, Mum. Destiny calls me to stay next to him." but of course, I can't. She would scold me, tell my dad about my answer, tell his aunts, or maybe tell his mom!!

I can't.
So I said, "ya.. just see. Let time decide."

actually, I want to get into cinematography school. and make a movie.
so one day, when he watch movie, he will watch a movie that specially made for him, made by my ownself.

but I dunno, I really want to stay beside him. T_T

how am I supposed to do?!?

illution.

sendu.
sedih dan rindu.

when I got the chance to go to the places he used to hang out in, he wasn't there.
I went to the Gelora Bung Karno. I saw his friends--same faculty's students, i dunno if they are really his friends or not--I saw guy who looked like him but he actually wasn't there.
I went to Pasar Festival. I saw the bowling place he used to come with his friends. I stared inside, and he wasn't there.

I laughed outside. I cried inside.
I bathed. Relaxing my body. Tried to forget him already.
My body felt light. it floated. but everytime I moved my hand, it always cover my face.
like the crying gesture.

I want to cry.
But I can't.

Because of loving him, now I always think negatively about him, always wondering everytime, always have a burden in this heart.

If loving him hurts me so much, I don't want it now.
I want to forget this feeling for a moments..

I hate when I think about him, but he doesn't think about me at all.

I want to scream. outloud.
but why this voice can't come out?

a simple questionare..

I did this to distract my mind from thinking him.

1) Are you single or attached?
single, but I wish I'll be attached soon.

2) How old are you?
17, going to be 18 this year. :)

3) Do you have a person you are in love with?
yes, I am.

4) What is the name of the person you are in love with?
let me be the one who knows him.

5) If both your mother and your lover need to be saved, who will you pick?
then I'll save both of them. :)

6) Have you ever hugged someone before?
yup, I think. I hugged, err.. my sisters, parents and.. some boys when I was a kid? haha

7) Do you love your parents?
of course lah, they raised me from baby till now.

8) Will you hug the one you are in love with?
if I could. haha.. *pain smile*

9) Are you willing to do anything for your boyfriend/girlfriend?
if it makes sense.

10) Are you feeling jealous right now?
a bit. more to sad than jealous.

11) Who was the last person who messaged you and what was the message?
damar. "when will you arrived at home?"

12) Name the people in your clique.
lisa.laura.boim.grace.tania.andi.diaz.suren.nacita.mercy.febby.

13) Do you want to have a child in future?
of course.

14) Do you prefer Mcdonald's, KFC, Long John Silver or Burger King?
KFC is the best! xD

15) Are you skinny or fat?
totally skinny. haha
he even said that I was a bone soup.:P

16) Do you smoke?
nope. hard to breathe enough.

17) If you boyfriend/girlfriend is two-timer, what will you do?
ask him the reason, and tell him that he should tell me if he wants to break up.

18) If you found out that you have a disease, what will you do?
go to doctor, duh! if I can't live longer, then I'll leave messages for each my bestfriend.

19) Which CCA are you in?
huh?

20) If you are rich , what will you do?
buy tickets to Japan and stay there. to study cinematography.

21) If your lover held your hand , what will you do?
held him back and smile. :)

22) If your admirer rejected you , what will you do?
hey, he is the one who admire me, rite? why did he reject me??
okelah, now stay away from me.

23) What is your favourite cartoon character?
shinchan. haha

24) What is your personality like?
ambivert. I'm a shy person, but cheerful. and funny--my friends said.
mostly independent and rarely show my true emotion to others.

25) Friendship or love?
both of them. friendship also needs love.

26) Cookie monster or Elmo?
elmo cuter. :)

27) What is your horoscope?
the mysterious scorpio girl.

28) When is your birthday?
26 October.

29) Who is your idol?
Koike Teppei. Dad. Him.

30) Who you wished to marry to?
haha. everyone knows except the one I wants to marry with: him.

31) Do you like lollipop?
not really. it takes long time to finish it.

32) Do you have your own diary?
blog, yes.

33) Who are you scared of?
God.

34) Who is your first crush?
Salman? haha

35) If your face is destroyed , are you still happy?
not, unless he stays beside me forever.

36) Happy , sad , stress , lonely or moody?
sad and lonely.

37) What is the BIGGEST thing you afraid of?
meet him with his wife which isn't me in the future. >_<

38) If you are going to die , who will you first think of?
zai..

39) If you were kidnapped , who will you want to call for help first?
dad or diaz.

40)Who you think you are?
a girl with lots of personality: Talitha x tita, kai x rui, ichijo x chizuru.

41) Which do you prefer , bee or mosquito?
mosquito. at least they dont sting.

42) Are you scared of insects?
yupz.

43) If you saw ghost , what will you do?
pretend not to see it and go as fast as I can.

44) If you found out who your secret admirer was, what will you do?
ask him to meet you directly.

45) If you had a quarrel with your clique, what will you do?
fix it right away.

46) If you fought with your boyfriend/girlfriend and he/she wants to break , what will you do?
say "let's we think about it cold headed. I dont want any regret caused by one word made in emotion."

47) Do you love soft toys?
like dolls? yeah.. haha

48) Do you think you are gay/lesbian?
not at all.

49) Have you ever entered the girl/boy's toilet?
yup! I was looking for a mop and my senior's shoes. haha

50) Who do you wish to be chatting with right now?
diaz.

51) Are you bored now?
not really..

52) Are you blur?
yep, on my future. haha

53) If you can have your hair dyed , what colour do you want it to be?
red or blue. :D

54) Do you wear spectacles?
yep. bad eyesights

55) What colour shirt are you wearing now?
white

56) What brand of school bag you use?
donno. haha

57) Have you bathed?
not yet. =P

58) How many people are there in your family?
6 of them. parents, me, 3 lil sista..

59) What is your full name?
Talitha Khairunisa.

60) Lock yourself in the room or cut yourself with penknife?
lock myself lah..

61) How many % do you give the boy you are in love with?
I'd like to give 100% but it seems he doesn't need me.

62) Do you miss your ex?
not at all.

63) Are you scared of losing the most precious things in life?
yep. =X

64) What is the blog url of the person you are in love with?
xxxxxpiecesofxxxx.blogspot.com

65) Do you hate anyone?
nope..

66) Do you wish your mother was hugging you now?
noo.. wat for?

67) Are you sitting or standing now?
laying. haha

68) Have you eaten?
not yet.

69) How many people have you blocked in your MSN?
no one. :D

70) If your idol came to the country that you are in now, what will you do?
try to meet him rite away~

71) If you get to shake hands with your idol, what will you do?
shake it back and smile happily.

72) Do you have a pet?
yup. cats and turtles.

73) Who was the last person you chatted with in MSN?
taufik..

74) How many people have you beaten before?
one, in primary school. haha

75) If your boyfriend/girlfriend don't love you anymore, what will you do?
keep loving him.

76) If you win a car, what will you do with it?
keep it. haha

77) If your boyfriend/girlfriend cannot live for more than a week , what will you do?
stay beside him until the very last time and tell him my feeling until he get bored of it. haha

78) If you fall down , will you stand up on your own or ask people to help you?
stand up on my own.

79) How many TV(s) do you have?
three.

80) What will you wear during your first date?
anything suits me.

81) What is your email address?
ichijo_chizuru@hotmail.com

82) Who do you think annoys you the most?
mum.

83) What school are you in now?
Karya Iman High School.

84) Do you like your form teacher?
not really..

85) In school , who are you most scared of?
Mrs. Imelda, haha

86) What musical instrument do you wish to have in your house?
violin or drum.

87) During weekends, what will you do?
slacking off, like usual. hahaha

88) Do you prefer fever or flu?
fever.

89) Do you prefer laptop or desktop?
laptop.

90) What colour contacts do you prefer wearing?
tosca or grey.

91) What fruit do you like the most?
lychee. ^^

92) What is your mobile phone number?
+6285711424966

93) Do you prefer I-Phone or normal mobile phone?
normal one. I-Phone doesn't have keypad unless the touchpad one..

94) If your pants drop at a very crowded place, what will you do?
put it back and run without looking anywhere/to anyone. ASAP.

95) Are you scared of chilli?
dislike it. haha

96) Are you wearing any accessories now?
necklace.

97) Do you like rainbows?
depends..

98) What subject you love most?
japanese.

99) If you were to confess infront of the person you are in love with and the whole school, what will you do?
say that I really love him no matter what.

100) Which do you prefer cute/chio/handsome boys/girls?
looks doesn't really matter. I prefer the smart one. :)

sedih.

sedihkah dirimu ketika orang yang kau sayangi sedang bersedih hati?
sedihkah dirimu ketika orang yang kau sayangi justru bersimpati dan mengkhawatirkan dirimu ketika kamu mengalami kegagalan bahkan di saat ia sedang sedih?
sedihkah dirimu ketika tahu ternyata orang yang sayangi sedang bersedih hati dan ia tidak memberitahu dirimu sama sekali?
sedihkah dirimu ketika kamu menyadari bahwa kamu tidak bisa melakukan apa-apa untuk meringankan rasa sedihnya, tak bisa ada untuknya, bahkan ia tidak tahu bahwa kau peduli padanya?

itulah yang aku rasakan.

sedih, sedih sekali rasanya hati ini.
ingin rasanya aku berteriak, berteriak di hadapannya...
"gue sayang elo, dari dulu jg gue sayang elo! tapi lo gak pernah tau kan? makanya, buat apa lo pendam semua masalah lo sendiri?? apa gunanya gue, apa artinya gue buat lo, sebagai seorang sahabat yang sangat sayang sama lo?!!"

tapi dia, tetaplah seorang lelaki yang begitu mandiri, yang memecahkan segala masalahnya seorang diri. yang diam-diam merindukan kasih sayang dan perhatian dari orang tuanya, yang dalam diam menjerit memohon seseorang untuk bersandar.

tak bisakah aku jadi tempatmu bersandar? bahkan untuk sejenak??

[curahan hati seorang sahabat]

translate:

do you feel sad if the one you loved were in blue?
do you feel sad if the one you loved shympatize you and worrying you when you failed, even when he was the one who's sad?
do you feel sad when you know that the one you loved is blue and he doesn't tell you any single words at all?
do you feel sad when you realized that you can do nothing to lift his burden, can't be beside him, even he doesn't know that you DO care for him?

I do.
that's what I feel.

sad, really sad. this heart broke.

I wanna scream at the top of my lungs in front of his face,
"I love you, I adore you, I affect you, from the past until now. But you didn't get any clue rite? That's why you don't need to keep all your burden alone. what's the point of my existance as a best friend who loves you so, if not for sharing your problem??"

but he, still be a very independent man, who solved all his problem alone, who secretly miss the love and affection from his parents, who screamed in his silence begged for someone to be leaned on.

can't I be the place for you leaned? be the shoulder for you to cry on, even for a while?

[confession of a bestfriend]

ps: di, your voice may not be heard by my ears, but your feeling did. do you hear my feeling?

second part of destiny.

the result of SIMAK UI has been announced.
It should be on Saturday, but I postponed it until today, so it didn't distract me from my study for UGM.
And yeah, it was said: "SORRY. YOU CAN'T BE ACCEPTED AS UNIVERSITY OF INDONESIA STUDENT YET."

sad?
yes, of course.
disappointed?
very.
give up?
no.

there is no such thing as give up now. Everybody failed (my friends, I mean), so it is no big deal.
what's made me sad was...
I made up a deal with God, that if HE is my destined man, then let me get into UI. and I failed.
Does it mean that he is not the right one?
eventhough I loved him so? =X

oh yaa.. I am glad that he is still care with me, eventhough just a little. He asked about my result and even ask my permission to see the result.
It is better than being insensitive like usual.
Glad that his old part of personality still exists. =D

anw, Tyo had a girlfriend!! hwaa...
I dislike his girl! coz I think she is not the right girl for him. She often known as the 'sexy' wannabe in school. >_< brother! break up with her!! xD

fight Titha!!
There is another test waiting..

here, this lyrics describe my situation.. (:

Miley Cyrus - The Climb

"I can almost see it
That dream I’m dreaming but
There’s a voice inside my head sayin,
You’ll never reach it,
Every step I’m taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes i'm going to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

The struggles I’m facing,
The chances I’m taking
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I’m not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I’m going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on,
Cause...

There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes i'm going to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes i'm going to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It’s all about
It’s all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith"