Love Hurts.

"Aku ingin mencintaimu dengan sederhana.
Dengan kata yang tak sempat diucapkan
kayu kepada api yang menjadikannya abu.
Aku ingin mencintaimu dengan sederhana
Dengan isyarat yang tak sempat disampaikan
awan kepada hujan yang menjadikannya tiada."

(Sapardi Djoko Damono - Aku Ingin)

"Maybe he believes me, maybe not.
Maybe I can marry him, maybe not.
Maybe the wind on the praire,
the wind on the sea, maybe,
somebody, somewhere, maybe can tell.
I will lay my head on his shoulder
And when he asks me I will say yes,
maybe."

(Carl Sandburg - Maybe)

"How can I smile, when my heart bleeds hard?
How can I happy for you, when your happiness is not me?
How can I still love you, when you keep hurting me?
How can I miss you, when you never really beside me
How can I hate you, when my heart told the opposite
How can I keep waiting for you, when you never know I really do that
How can I tell you I love you, when you're in love with her?
How can I tell you I want you, when you never wants me?
How can I give you everything, when you give me nothing in return?

All I want is to love you, and to be loved by you.
But you have her, and I have you not.
You have me, you don't want me.

Tears were dried up. Heart has broken.
It's a unrequited blind love.
For you. Just from me.
Forever I'll be. Loving You."

(Talitha - when I love you)

I want to cry.
He seems love her so bad, and I am nothing for him.
A bestfriend that less worthy than his friends, way less worthy than her.
When love hurts you so badly, why do you keep falling for him for many times?
I just realized that, since we're primary, I can't take my eyess off from him.
When he moved out suddenly, it hurted me bad that the part of my memories that contained my memories with him were erased.
Erased in his part only.
Until now, I don't even remember where were him when I did something in the past. Eventhough, in fact, he was in the same place with me.

T_T


*sick of loving him*

drama queen

two days ago there has been a 'drama' in my house. with me as the main character.
hahaha. it's so embarassing yet it made my stress reduce. :)

I asked papa to let me enroll on private university.
and, yeah as usual he didn't give his permit.
I had arguments with him until finally he asked about my preparation for SIMAK UI. And hopelessly, I answered that I haven't ready yet.
Lots of stuff that I haven't studied yet. And those tears just can't be held anymore.
So I cried. I told papa I didn't feel like I'm gonna pass. It's so stressful.

Then he scolded me and taught me physics, with me still crying.
Yeah, that night I was an object to be watched. Free drama in my own house. The whole house watched me holding back my tears with all my power but just feeling helpless.

That was because, when I was being scolded by papa, all I think is "later I'm gonna talk to zaI and told my fear and stressful days."
When I thought about that, I just couldn't hold back it again.
It flew like river. cover my glasses with tears.
huhuhu

anw, for more than 3 days I've been having nightmare, not really nightmare, but dreams where there is no end, or where there's ppl who keep reminding me to study, or where I stuck somewhere.
what is weird, there's always zaI in every nightmares. Could he be my savior? haha :P
and also Laura told me, recently I've changed. I was like a zombie who didn't have spirit of live. Just daydreaming and like there were dark clouds on my face.
She told me I used to be cheerful, so this is unusual.

Am I cheerful? haha =P

moreover, I'm sad when my mom told me about my grandpa's condition.
His hepatitis became worsen and turn into cancer.
And the cancer cells has spreaded throughout his body to the lungs and heart.
There was a leak in his heart too.

It just mean one thing, it must at the last stadium so we can't do anything but wait for time.

that made me think, "what if I suffers a hazardous disease and doctor told me that my life is going over by 3 months again, for example."
Waiting for death to come. It must be the scariest, the most confusing thing to do.
At one side, we just can't give up fighting our disease. But on the other side, no matter how hard we fight, we just can't win. Although I believe that God's miracle is truly exist.

frustrating.


right now, I just want to hug him tight and ask him to lend his strength for me to stand up still.
but as usual, I just can't. hehehe


gotta fight hard.
It's less than a week left.

ganbatte!! >^^<

his unheard scream, my unseen tears

Read this:

a piece of mind.

the past few weeks have been extraordinarily exhausting
i'm sure i have mentioned this for quite some time.
and these past few days have been demotivating a lot.
i know i am an optimist.
however, give me an opportunity once to be a pessimist.
let me shout out all my weenies.
all my whinings and cryings.

i don't know what is happening to me right now.
i used to be the diaz novera that was so hyper-active.
i used to be the diaz novera that was calm in handling situations.
i used to be the diaz novera that is very dilligent in everything.
i used to be the diaz novera, the know-it-all.
i used to be the diaz novera, the one that can solve everything within a click.
i used to be the confident diaz novera, the one that tends to be shameless at times yet the one that can maintain his cool in all situations.
and now, i am not the person that i've mentioned up there in the list.
i'm a total change myself.
i'm back to where i was when i first entered secondary school life.

i guess this is the real 'moving on'.
not the one that post break-up couples said.
being a totally different person is the real moving on.
i believe i was the big fish in a small pond.
being surrounded with genius brains (especially irma) made me really small.
made me really feel that i am nobody.
they intimidate my will to ask things freely.
wrong choice of words and i'll end up at the wrong crowd resulting in wrong grades.
academics itself is really pressurising.
two exams weighting 55% of the whole GPA.
four hours that affects my future.

back in secondary school, obtaining C is already an adequate achievement and an A is a miracle.
however, the situation here, less than an A-, it's considered miserable.
and yet, i'm still occupying myself with what i loved most from schools or any other educational institutions - Co-curricular Activities:
BPM, STUNICA, *TBM, *FSI.
if people asks me what my talents are, i think i have found my answer.
a totally useless talent.

on the other hand, i don't know why i am always looking upwards.
it's good that it paced my will to grow, to be a better person.
however, it mades me unappreciative of what i already have.
and i don't know why i can't start looking down and see the people around me.
in that way i can start appreciating my life better.

entering FKUI was the best wish granted.
before entering FKUI, i promised myself - hunting GPA is going to be all i will be doing, with total hardwork.
but, in actual, the real 'hardwork' seemed endless.
it's like climbing a summitless mountain.

they say life is like a sine graph,there're peaks and valleys.
i believe i am in the valley now and in a need to reach the peak real soon.
and now i realize i can't do everything on my own.
i need shoulders to lean and cry on.
i want someone to lift me up.

i need that person to do so.
and i must not be desperate for wanting that person.
Allah, please assist me.

that was from zaI's blog.
I've been waiting for months--thought that he neglected his blog already--just to read his daily activities.
And after that long waiting, this is what I get.

read the "bold and italic" part of sentences.
It made me sad that I want to cry.
He wants Irma, but he can't have her now.
I'm sad because he's not happy. I'm sad because I can't be the person he can leaned on.
What is my contribution that I could give to lift his burden even if just a little?
Nothing.

It just Irma.

I don't understand why he loves her so much when he feels intimidates by her super smart brain.
He always look upwards, to her direction. Never look downwards, to my direction.
That's why he never know that actually, he had me.
From 7 years ago, I always be with him.


Ya Allah, one wish for him, just make him happy.
Don't let him being hurt. Because it will hurt me too. =X

still missing him.

miss you!

Di!
Why I miss u so much now?
I want to chat with u, want to talk about anything, as long as you don't stop talking/typing, and pay with full attention to my story and vice versa.

It's been a long time since our last 'cold' chat, it's in last Sunday i guessed.

Di!
there is so much I want to ask you.
I want to ask about the 'cancer thing' but I forgot what I have to ask. I want to tell you the truth. All of it.
But I just can't.


Because you even don't bother to know.
Because it wouldn't affect any part of your life.
Your life with or without me are practically the same: I never be the main part of it.
My life without you is like puzzle missing its pieces. But my life with you is like eating ice cream.
It feels nice, it soothe you, but when the ice cream finished to be eaten, it'll make you thirsty.
The more I eat the more thirsty I get, and also I'll get sore throat.

That's why I can't. I can't love you truly.
But heart can never lies. If I can't love you as a man, then I'll love you as a best friend.

One thing:
When I think you are my best friend, do you think me as your best friend too? Coz recently you tell me almost nothing about your life. Nothing until I've asked you.
You tell Melly almost everything and me, who have been friend with you since about 7 years ago, had been told nothing.

It hurts, boy!

It sadden me to know I am special for you just in my dream, sad to know that I can only meet you in my dream, sad to know that I can't tell you what I've been thinking.
Anyway, I miss you.

Anything you have been doing now, keep on it.
Coz sad but happy to know also, you are a man of his word.
Make me proud, Di!


another question:
what can I do to make you proud of me?

Ochita Ochita...

"ochita ochita!!"
"nani ga ochita?"
"kokoro ga ochita..."

translation:
"Fall! Fall!"
"What is falling?"
"My heart falls.. (for you)"

hahaha.

That was my joke yesterday with my friends. A very lame line to flirt. hahaha
Yesterday I went to Binus with Lisa, Boim, Laura, Andrew and Febby to join the trial class.
I joined the japanese literature trial class. alone. hehe
There is a guy who caught my eyes. His name was Ezra. He dressed like Kai in Harvest Moon Back to Nature. He acted cool yet smart. He isn't handsome, but cool.

I guess he will be my rival in gaining attention IF I get into the Faculty of Japanese Literature in Binus. haha
Unfortunately, my dad forbid me to enroll in private universities.
He wanted me to get into PUBLIC UNIVERSITY and take MEDICAL FACULTY.
gosh.
Not that I fully rejected it, but to think it twice, I guessed I am not qualified to be a doctor. =X

back to the story.
In the trial class, I saw a man who looked cute, handsome, and cool at the same time.
His name was Ueda. People called him Ueda-Sensei.
I guess he's one of the native speaker lecturer in that faculty. :D

He is so cute that IF I had given a chance by the female lecturer to make an example about Japanese adjectives, I would say "Ueda-Sensei ga hansamu desu!" (Ueda-Sensei is handsome.)
HAHAHAHA. lame, really lame. sucks.
Or, if we could ask something to Ueda-Sensei, I would ask, "Sensei, mou kekkon-shimashita ka?" (Sensei, are you married already?), "Ima Koibito ga imasuka?" (Are you have any girlfriend now?) or "Kanai ga imasuka?" (Are you have a wife?) =P
HAHAHAHAHA.

Oh, I am OBSESSED!!!
Oh My God, I want to get into that faculty!
Moreover, kendo looks interesting. Chanoyu also. hehehe ^^


Then he made a game.
Fyi, he can't speak Indonesian. So he spoke Japanese then one of his student translated it.

Ueda Sensei (US) : ima kara geemu wo shimasu. (he pronounced 'r' as 'l', that's what makes him cute. =3)
Student (S) : from now on, we are gonna playing game.
US : gemu no namae wa "Ochita Ochita"...
S : the game's name is "Ochita Ochita", means "Fall, Fall"
US: moshi watashi wa 'Ochita ochita' to ittara, minna-san ga "nani ga ochita?"kotaette...
S: if Ueda Sensei says 'ochita ochita', you have to answer 'nani ga ochita?' (what is falling?)
US: sore de, moshi watashi wa 'ringo' to ittara, minna san no te wa... kore. *shows hands like catching apple*
S: And then, if Sensei say 'apple', you have to show like you are catching apples that falls from above.
US: moshi watashi wa 'genkotsu' to ittara, minna san no te wa atama no ue de oite kudasai.
S: If Sensei says 'genkotsu' (punch), put your hands above your head. Like protecting your head."
US: moshi 'kaminari' to ittara, te wo onaka no ue de oite..."
S: If Sensei says 'kaminari' (lightning), you have to put your hands on your tummy. Like you are scared...
US: Ja, ima kara ichido renshu shimasu!"
S: Let's practice one times!"

see?
I made it to the last 8. We have to do it quick and with the eyes closed.
People who did it late or wrong have to sit down aka lost. =D
I MADE IT TO THE LAST 8!! >_<
Until Ueda-Sensei felt tired and decided to do 'Jankenpon' (Rock, Paper, Scissor) instead of 'Ochita Ochita'.
If we pull out the same like him or weaker than him, then we lost.
I thought he would pull out 'Rock', so when he said 'Jankenpon!!", taddaaaa....
I PULLED OUT 'PAPER'...
and guess what, HE PULLED OUT PAPER, TOO!!

I'M LOST!!!
gosh.

The winner-the three lucky girl- received some handmade present from Ueda Sensei. >_<
hwaaa...



moving along, I compared about "Japanese Literature" and "Medical".

Here is it the comparison:

If I get into Japanese Literature:
1. My college life would be fun and free.
2. My grade would be high because I love Japanese.
3. I can join the Nippon Club and else.
4. I can meet Ueda Sensei again! xD
5. I'll have a chance to be transferred to Japan, or meet Japanese. ;D
6. My potentially jobs will be fun and nice.
7. The chance to get accepted is high.

The minus:
1. Potential Job aren't always avaible.
2. The salary must be less than being a doctor.
(Unless, he's Japanese. hwahaha!)3. The chance in finding a potential husband is low. Are you want to have a husband whose salary is low?
4. I can't meet zaI.
5. I can't help cures people.
6. No hard skill.

While if I get into medical faculty:
1. I can meet zaI. :D
2. There's a higher chance to find a potential husband. hahaha :P
3. I can stay beside him.
4. If I graduate, I can cures people and help others.
5. I'll have hard skill as it is a profession, not a job.
6. The salary is way higher than interpreteur.

but also...
1. I have to study hard
2. The fee to study there is not cheap.
3. The assignments are so many.
4. It takes more than 5 years to graduate as Sarjana Kedokteran, and I have to work as an intern first to gain the license, and maybe I have to continue my study to S-2 specialist.
And it costs lots of money.
5. I'm afraid I'll be in zaI's shadow or get left in the lecture.
6. The chance of getting accepted is lower than Japanese Lit.

the point is... NO PAIN NO GAIN.
and I am afraid to feel the pain. So...??

What do you think? =X

Valentine's Day Celebration

today is February 13th. But in my school, we celebrate valz day now because tomorrow is our day off. hehehe
The events are quite uninteresting since we've got nothing to do. No entertainment also. So me, Laura, Lisa, Tania, Febby and Andrew came into class and made our own disco time. woohoo!! xD
Oh yeah, the valentine's committee gave us an origami paper so we could write down our wishes and stick it with our balloon.
I wrote mine also. Here is the wishes:
1. I wish I'll pass the national final exam
2. I wish I can get into Faculty of Medicine in UI.
3. I wish I'll get accepted in UI, UNS, and UGM.
4. I wish I can stay beside him.
5. I wish I can keep our friendship forever.
6. I wish I belong together with him.
7. I wish I can graduate with good scores.

my wishes balloon ^^

and after that, we all released our balloon with our wishes on it. Some of them fly fast through the sky, some of them fly slow but sure, and some others are stuck!! hahahaha
mine's flew quite fast at first, rolling down on the air like confused, and then slowly but sure move above the sky. hehe
I guess that means my wishes will come true but I have to struggle first. hahaha =="

fly fly through the sky. bring away our wishes to God.

loves the balloon.
mine is the purple one, above there. =P

and we took photos also before released them. hehe
at first I want to take pictures with the balloons before they got given to others. But Reni and Nadya took my ideas. And I hate to imitate.

So this is what I've got:

that is what I called for "Purple Red" = "Rui SiXoura" :D

red-purple-green : laura-tita-febby. :)

left to right:
Andrew-Febby-Tania-Talitha (me)-Laura-Gunaedi.

duh, my face!
Tyo, you should tell me when u captured this pic!! >_<




Valz events ended there. But then we're moving to the next event: Watching Movies Together in Lippo 21 Cinemas. The entire school. We watched the "Sepuluh" movies. The story was actually good, so did the moral lessons that the director wanted to tell us. But the way he directed and the way the dialogue has been written made the movie a bit illogical.
Anw, we went there by a trem. Lippo Cikarang special trem that usually used for public transportation to Central Market. hahaha
But it wasn't bad anyway. Even I felt like we were in foreign country. hahaha
thanks to Lippo's good environtment. =D

well, let's wait for the monthly Lippo Cikarang free magazine. I guess we will be there. haha =P

backside of the trem: Stephanie-Laura-Tania-me. :)

first time to RSCM..

so damn tired.

after the damn hard chemistry test (Organic Chemistry-Alcohol), Mrs. Meivy decided that me, Tania and Boim should come visited Mrs. Sondang.
So, we went to RSCM with Mr. Headmaster, Simson M. Rihi, and Ms. Dyah to RSCM. There were not only me, Tania and Boim anyway, Ricky and Geri joined us also.

I thought I want to say hi to Di in FKUI but he were in the middle of meeting. So I just couldn't.
Anw, I really missed Mrs. Sondang to teach us again, my biology mark is going down to hell with Ms. Tri...!!
66 for biology test! what kind of mark is that??

Today we quite having fun with Ms. Dyah. She's funny and kind.
She treat me and Ricky a bowl of chicken noodle for each person. hehehe =D

Ah tired, should go to sleep. =X

first part of destiny -result-

yes, the result of SGU enrollment test is officially out today.
and yes, I am not included in those 60 lucky people.
Sad ? Nope. The result has been postponed for one week, and I'm already tired of waiting in despair, in such an empty hope. So sad isn't in my dictionary.
I don't want something that doesn't want me back.
Anyway, this is my first time to be failed in enrollment test.

Should be a moral lesson that I take: you need more than luck to pass a real enrollment test. better try next time.

I hope on my next enrollment test I will succeed. I wonder is it my destiny to be with him? I really hope so. >_<

anw, this is the end of the week aka weekends!! It's time for me to relax a while, so my headache would be better. I'm sick of being tortured by this ache.

well, there's still more test to go. After the midterm test end next Friday, we will have the second try out.
This time I should score well. Not like this time:
Indonesian = 66
Biology = 50!
Chemistry = 52.5! *gosh!*

I thought I'd score well on chem, but look what I get? T_T

oh yeah, today at Civil Social Study midterm test, I failed on cheating.
Mrs. Lusi sat on the back of the class, so it's impossible for me to look at my cellphone. haizz...
bad luck. bad luck.

tomorrow I'm planning on talking to Boim. about his complicated feeling with Lisa. But I just donno how to start the conversation. =X

ah how should I do? =X

Dear Diary....

Dear my blog,
there so much I want to tell.
It's about everyone. my friends. him. me.


I suffer a terrible migraine recently, everytime I wake up and think about anything, my head ache. It feels like there is smthn push my brain from inside and outside and crash it.
I've been thinking. About Lisa and Boim's love life.
About Diaz and Irma soon-to-be relationship.
About my coming soon enrollment test.
About my potentially rejected application for SGU.
Abut my future.
About my 'too late to be recognized' love.
About my old besties, Damar.
About all my always postponed tasks.
About the preparation for the examination.

And it stressed me out.
Especially when I think there's no way for me to be right beside him. to be his partner in life. to complete each other. when I think like that I feel lonely.
He isn't here for me. He is THERE for her.
Always for another girl and never for me.
Even I never be his bestfriend. Always be his childhood friend.
Ordinary Friend, he always say.

Meanwhile, he isn't just a friend for me. He is one of my bestfriend.
My close friends never be just an ordinary friends. They're special for me in their own unique ways.
I guess that just happen when u've got a lot of friend.

Damar.
He's my bestfriend from Mutiara 17 Agustus elementary school.
It's funny to see how we've been searching each other since we're separated.
He has been searched for me through fs, and so did I. ^^
Finally we met on facebook, although I haven't see his face since I moved.
We've been talking on the phone for 2 days and texted each other also (although it's hard for us, since our messages would reach each other very very late).
He said that I was different from before. He used to think me as a tomboy girl who loved Detective Conan manga. haha
for addition, I usually cry when I fight with him, then he would panicked and apologized to me as quickly as he could, begging me to stop crying so the teacher wouldn't see us fighting. hehe

I recalled that my mother ever told me that he said to my mom he wanted to marry me. Which result in Fani's anger, since Fani adore Damar so much. hahaha
what a cute love triangle. xD

from him, I wish we will have a longtime friendship and will cherish our friendship.
I cherish him and he cherish me. Not like my another male bestfriend. >_<


anw, I lost my motivation to get into FKUI. you noe why.
I donno what to do. Really.
and I don't really want to talk about it.

suddenly my life become complicated. complicated to think about.
I don't understand myself. But I should carry on.


anw, to Lisa and Boim:
you two should talk, alone, without any opinion from others.
talk from heart to heart. discuss what you want.
Boim, is it really you doesn't like her anymore, or it just you who afraid being teased by us?
Are you afraid IF someday things aren't going well and it will be hard for you to make up?
Are you worried if someday Lisa's act will confused u?
Lisa, is he really the one you want?
I'm not blaming you, coz to be honest, for me, the best person to fall in love is your own bestfriend. Coz he would already noe ur good side and bad side. He would accept you the way you are.
Lisa, sometimes love hurts. And sometimes love isn't always have to own people. Love is free. Let just think this as a test for proving your love is true or not.
Anw, I shouldn't talk too much coz I don't really know the whole story. I just see it out of the box.
But really, you two should talk alone. Discuss it.


Jason Mraz says:

"lucky I'm in love with my best friend. Lucky to have been where I have been. Lucky to be coming home again..."

I'll be happy if you two get attached each other. But if you two choose not to be, I'll be here for you two whenever you need me. We can continue our friendship till its end. Yes I know we could. =)

by the way, I wonder when is my turn to find my love ? =X

PS: In Suren's dream, he kissed me!! o.O
hahahaha.. Now I remembered that when I first texted Diaz again after he came to Indo, I dreamed that he offered me to taste some food. And he gave it by mouth, into my mouth. Oh My God!! hahahaha