drama queen

two days ago there has been a 'drama' in my house. with me as the main character.
hahaha. it's so embarassing yet it made my stress reduce. :)

I asked papa to let me enroll on private university.
and, yeah as usual he didn't give his permit.
I had arguments with him until finally he asked about my preparation for SIMAK UI. And hopelessly, I answered that I haven't ready yet.
Lots of stuff that I haven't studied yet. And those tears just can't be held anymore.
So I cried. I told papa I didn't feel like I'm gonna pass. It's so stressful.

Then he scolded me and taught me physics, with me still crying.
Yeah, that night I was an object to be watched. Free drama in my own house. The whole house watched me holding back my tears with all my power but just feeling helpless.

That was because, when I was being scolded by papa, all I think is "later I'm gonna talk to zaI and told my fear and stressful days."
When I thought about that, I just couldn't hold back it again.
It flew like river. cover my glasses with tears.
huhuhu

anw, for more than 3 days I've been having nightmare, not really nightmare, but dreams where there is no end, or where there's ppl who keep reminding me to study, or where I stuck somewhere.
what is weird, there's always zaI in every nightmares. Could he be my savior? haha :P
and also Laura told me, recently I've changed. I was like a zombie who didn't have spirit of live. Just daydreaming and like there were dark clouds on my face.
She told me I used to be cheerful, so this is unusual.

Am I cheerful? haha =P

moreover, I'm sad when my mom told me about my grandpa's condition.
His hepatitis became worsen and turn into cancer.
And the cancer cells has spreaded throughout his body to the lungs and heart.
There was a leak in his heart too.

It just mean one thing, it must at the last stadium so we can't do anything but wait for time.

that made me think, "what if I suffers a hazardous disease and doctor told me that my life is going over by 3 months again, for example."
Waiting for death to come. It must be the scariest, the most confusing thing to do.
At one side, we just can't give up fighting our disease. But on the other side, no matter how hard we fight, we just can't win. Although I believe that God's miracle is truly exist.

frustrating.


right now, I just want to hug him tight and ask him to lend his strength for me to stand up still.
but as usual, I just can't. hehehe


gotta fight hard.
It's less than a week left.

ganbatte!! >^^<