his unheard scream, my unseen tears

Read this:

a piece of mind.

the past few weeks have been extraordinarily exhausting
i'm sure i have mentioned this for quite some time.
and these past few days have been demotivating a lot.
i know i am an optimist.
however, give me an opportunity once to be a pessimist.
let me shout out all my weenies.
all my whinings and cryings.

i don't know what is happening to me right now.
i used to be the diaz novera that was so hyper-active.
i used to be the diaz novera that was calm in handling situations.
i used to be the diaz novera that is very dilligent in everything.
i used to be the diaz novera, the know-it-all.
i used to be the diaz novera, the one that can solve everything within a click.
i used to be the confident diaz novera, the one that tends to be shameless at times yet the one that can maintain his cool in all situations.
and now, i am not the person that i've mentioned up there in the list.
i'm a total change myself.
i'm back to where i was when i first entered secondary school life.

i guess this is the real 'moving on'.
not the one that post break-up couples said.
being a totally different person is the real moving on.
i believe i was the big fish in a small pond.
being surrounded with genius brains (especially irma) made me really small.
made me really feel that i am nobody.
they intimidate my will to ask things freely.
wrong choice of words and i'll end up at the wrong crowd resulting in wrong grades.
academics itself is really pressurising.
two exams weighting 55% of the whole GPA.
four hours that affects my future.

back in secondary school, obtaining C is already an adequate achievement and an A is a miracle.
however, the situation here, less than an A-, it's considered miserable.
and yet, i'm still occupying myself with what i loved most from schools or any other educational institutions - Co-curricular Activities:
BPM, STUNICA, *TBM, *FSI.
if people asks me what my talents are, i think i have found my answer.
a totally useless talent.

on the other hand, i don't know why i am always looking upwards.
it's good that it paced my will to grow, to be a better person.
however, it mades me unappreciative of what i already have.
and i don't know why i can't start looking down and see the people around me.
in that way i can start appreciating my life better.

entering FKUI was the best wish granted.
before entering FKUI, i promised myself - hunting GPA is going to be all i will be doing, with total hardwork.
but, in actual, the real 'hardwork' seemed endless.
it's like climbing a summitless mountain.

they say life is like a sine graph,there're peaks and valleys.
i believe i am in the valley now and in a need to reach the peak real soon.
and now i realize i can't do everything on my own.
i need shoulders to lean and cry on.
i want someone to lift me up.

i need that person to do so.
and i must not be desperate for wanting that person.
Allah, please assist me.

that was from zaI's blog.
I've been waiting for months--thought that he neglected his blog already--just to read his daily activities.
And after that long waiting, this is what I get.

read the "bold and italic" part of sentences.
It made me sad that I want to cry.
He wants Irma, but he can't have her now.
I'm sad because he's not happy. I'm sad because I can't be the person he can leaned on.
What is my contribution that I could give to lift his burden even if just a little?
Nothing.

It just Irma.

I don't understand why he loves her so much when he feels intimidates by her super smart brain.
He always look upwards, to her direction. Never look downwards, to my direction.
That's why he never know that actually, he had me.
From 7 years ago, I always be with him.


Ya Allah, one wish for him, just make him happy.
Don't let him being hurt. Because it will hurt me too. =X

still missing him.